How Dating is a path to spiritual enlightenment

After nearly 9 years in the world of relationship, I have arrived in some incredibly fertile ground for spiritual evolution and self-development: dating.

Just a few years shy of true cougarhood (insert some mix of a sexy meow and “yikes” here), this is the first time that I’ve had any real consciousness about “dating”, per se.  In my twenties, relationships just sort of happened on the sidelines of my career pursuits.  I’d wake from the heady, self-involved cloud of my ambition and notice the person besides me.  “Oh, you’re here!” I’d say delightedly.  “Marvelous!”   Then, in my thirties, I became more serious about commitment, which led to a spectacular marriage failure that was almost Greek in its tragedy.

These relationships have been conduits for evolution and growth, no doubt.  In relationship, we have the opportunity to brush into our most tender places, confront our nastiest habits and – when we’re conscious –  move beyond stale patterns and create new dynamics that better serve our vision for who we want to be.   Or perhaps we don’t, and the relationship ends, and afterwards we smack our foreheads and say, “OH.  That’s what that was.  Well.  Fuck.”

But don’t despair, Singletons.   While relationships can be profound forums for self-work, dating is shaping up to be a pretty potent cauldron for spiritual fermentation.

It’s because of all the uncertainty.

The rampant, horrible, delicious uncertainty.

Uncertainty

When we embark on dating, some deep part of our psyche perks up and says, “I don’t know why, but THIS PERSON that I JUST MET is incredibly important and they could be the absolute key to my happiness and well-being for the REST OF MY LIFE.”   Call it hormones, call it romance, or call it delusion, but there’s a piece of us that gets stuck in the idea that this could be “it.”  The endorphins kick in, the toes start to tingle, and pretty soon we’ve imagined the relationship, the marriage, the kids and the divorce before the second date.

It’s no doubt evolutionarily advantageous, but it is also pretty hilarious when given a little perspective.  (Especially when we’ve been through this and know that an actual relationship is both better and worse than our visions.)  But the reason our mind struggles to fill in all the blanks is because we have so little to base our feelings on.  And because our mind is so uncomfortable existing in a state of uncertainty, it will restlessly ruminate and pick over the smallest scraps of information.  Like:

  • Why did he text and not call?
  • Why did he email and not text?
  • Why did/didn’t he pay the bill?
  • Why did she insist on splitting the bill?
  • Why did she mention her ex-boyfriend?
  • Why did she take a separate cab?
  • Why did she not respond to my text until the next day?  (It’s a text, for Christ sake.)
  • Is she dating other people?
  • Is he dating other people?
  • What does he/she think about me doing that thing I did?
  • Why haven’t they called/texted/facebooked/emailed?
  • Does he or she like me?
  • Aaaarrrrrghhhh! Etc.

Or perhaps we’re on the other end of the spectrum.  When we meet someone, the self-protective part of the brain kicks in and puts a big “DO NOT ENTER” sign over our hearts.  Being bruised before, we withdraw, shut down, and lie in wait for someone who won’t feel quite as dangerous.  The uncertainty factor – not knowing if we can trust this new person – prompts us to find ways to undermine the relationship before it has even started.

Four Practices for Spiritual Dating:

1. Admit we don’t know

In the ground between these two extremes lies an opportunity to rest in the uncertainty of the situation and come back to our deepest selves.  When our mind starts telling stories, we can catch on and come back to the present moment.  Resting in the power of this moment and in the quieter part of our selves allows us to observe the exuberant chattering of the mind rather than trying to control the situation.  As we admit that “we don’t know”, we find that there is a steadiness within us that can easily withstand the tempestuous winds of uncertainty.  Coming back to our own center allows us to remember what is really in our control, rather than fixate outside of ourselves.

When the mind starts to go, ask yourself:

  • Is what I’m thinking actually true?
  • Is it possible that the opposite is actually true?
  • Can I rest in not knowing and enjoy the moment?
  • What in this situation is in my control?
  • Can I feel what I feel and not attach a story to it?

2. Feel more.

Dating can bring up some pretty delicious and intense feelings in our body.  They’re your feelings, enjoy them!  (And not just the sexy-time feelings, but also the nerves, adrenaline, and angst.)  Use these sensations to become more deeply connected to yourself and the present moment – without attaching a story or narrative to them.  Ruminate less.  Feel More.

3. Practice courageous honesty

As we become more centered and allow uncertainty, we can own our own truth (“satya”).  Whether that’s saying, “I really like you,” “This isn’t working for me,” or “I don’t know,” we can use this unusual landscape as an opportunity to practice being centered, brave, and clear.  Sometimes the hardest thing to recognize in ourselves is our own uncertainty.  The mind wants to make the answer “yes” or “no.”  Admitting that we don’t know gives us the space and grace to open to possibility.

4. Trust

Practicing honesty allows us to trust that everything is unfolding as it ought (“isvara pranidhanani”).   In the jungles of dating, everyone is vulnerable, everyone is uncertain.   Because we can’t possibly have a full understanding for the context that we are participating in, we must ride the waves – knowing that we can’t see the next one coming.   We can either surf, or fight the undertow.   So take a deep breath, feel your body, and dive in.

Ultimately, the water’s just fine.

And end of monsters

A woman said to me once
There are dark nights of the soul
Staying up
Boozy in wine
Eyes fearful on the door
Wondering what will come in

Those times, it’s harder to sit in stillness
And soften to the air
Pass through the sharpened feelings
And realize that there’s nothing here
But me

It’s strangely easier when there’s monsters.
Now I have to face
The bite marks are self-inflicted.

Tips to Mastering an Arm Balance

To master an arm balance, you must master your booty.

Seriously.

Your pelvis is heavy, and knowing where to put it during an arm balance will make a big difference in your ability to distribute your weight effectively and ultimately find lightness and ease in your pose.

Balancing in an arm balance is about:

  • hands
  • shoulder stability
  • core strength
  • pelvic placement/ weight placement

Okay, okay, naturally you need core strength.  But not as much as you think.  Place your weight smartly, and you will use less tension, find more ease, and gain levity and freedom in your arm balances.

Tip #1: Maintain excellent hand positioning

To protect your weight in arm balances, weight all four corners of the hand evenly.  For most of us, this means pressing more firmly into the index finger mound.  Without adult supervision, weight will naturally roll to the outer heel of the hand.  But we have a lovely little nerve in there called the ulnar nerve (if you’ve ever had numbness in the outer hand after practicing, the compression of this little guy may be the reason why).  There is also a nerve in our carpal tunnel called the median nerve.  Keeping weight into our fingertips and medial palm edge will take the weight off of the heel of the hand and help you to protect both these nerves from over-compression.  Weighting into the fingertips will also give you more control of your weight – just like your toes help you to balance when you’re standing.

Tip #2: Maintain shoulder stability

Our shoulder girdle is only attached skeletally in one little place: the meeting point of the collarbone and sternum.  That’s it.  That’s all the skeletal support you’ve got when you’re balancing on your hands.  Therefore, you need excellent muscular stabilization through your back and your shoulders to support your arm balance effectively.  In the YYoga TT, we employ the actions, “lift your back ribs while you draw your shoulder blades together on your back” in order to recruit both sets of muscles that will stabilize the scapulae effectively.  In a nutshell, this means that the shoulders and the back body must become a place of support.  While it becomes tempting in arm balances to drop our shoulders down to the floor, we must earnestly continue to stabilize the shoulder blades on the back rather than collapse into gravity.

Think of lowering into chaturanga.  Effectively lowering from plank to chaturanga means that our shoulder blades stay on our back and that the heads of the arm bones stay lifted towards the sky.  When the shoulder heads drop, we place far too much pressure on the front of the rotator cuff and joint.  Similarly in arm balances, we must lift the heads of the arm bones skyward to maintain adequate stabilization of this shallow joint.

Tip #3: Core strength

You knew it would be in here. Yes, you need core strength.  However, core strength isn’t just about your six-pack.  Core strength means finding the connection from your big toes through the inner seams of your legs, through the pelvis floor and into the deepest layer of your abdominals, the transverse abdominus.  In a nutshell, find your “leg magnets” (as Chris Clancy might say) that link the inner seams of your legs together.   This engagement through the legs will naturally lift the pelvis floor and help you to deeply engage your core.

When doing an arm balance, we usually have our upper leg against our upper arms: use this connection to assist you in finding the muscular engagement of the inner leg.  Also, remember that your toes are part of your body, too.  By maintaining awareness from toes to pelvis, you will be able to recruit the legs to work for you so that they are not dead weight.

Tip #4: Control your booty

When doing a pose like bakasana (crow), the booty actually needs to be down.  Lifting the bum high will disconnect you from your core connection and make the pose more precarious.  By keeping the tailbone down and lifting vigorously through the sides of your waist, you will recruit more muscular stability in the pose, rather than teetering in a balance.

However, in other poses such as Eka Pada Galavasana, Parsva Bakasana (side crow),  and Eka Pada Koudinyasana, we must keep our bum high.  Letting the pelvis drop in these poses will deflate the integrity of the pose and make it much harder to shift your weight forward to take the weight off of the feet and find your balance.  While core integrity is necessary, lift off  in these poses depends on your ability to control your weight in space  – much like we move weight in a teeter totter.  When the pelvis stays high, you have the ability to shift the chest forward in space, which will allow the legs and back body to become light and eventually float.  If the pelvis drops, everything will move earthward and the levity of the pose will dissipate.

Playing in the poses

Bakasana (Crow): Booty low

  • In bakasana,  place your feet together on a block and take your knees wide.  Then place your hands outer shoulders’ distance apart, spread your fingers side, and evenly weight into all four corners of your palms – particularly the index finger mound
  • Get low, and bring your knees as high up onto your outer arms as you can.
  • Clamp your knees onto your outer, upper arms.
  • Gaze forward.
  • Keeping your booty low and your side waists high (think of an angry cat), begin to shift your weight forward into your hands as if you were a hovercraft.
  • Play with moving back and forth, and you will find that your feet become lighter and eventually leave the block.
  • Once your feet leave the block, clamp in with your thighs, lift through the sides of your waist, then begin to press down through the hands until the arms become straight.

Eka Pada Koundinyasana: Booty High

  • Come into a low lunge with both hands to the inside of your front foot.
  • Lift your back leg and lift your booty high.
  • Clamp your front knee onto your upper arm
  • Press into your hands, lift your back ribs skywards, and keep that as you anchor your shoulder blades on your back
  • Lift onto your front toes
  • Lift onto your back toes and begin to shift your weight forward
  • Keeping your shoulders lifted skywards and your booty high, lift your front foot off the ground. Either keep it bending in, or reach it diagonally away from your body (like you’re reaching it to 2 pm on a clock dial)
  • Keep your booty lifted and shoulders lifting as your reach your sternum forward and bring more weight onto your hands
  • Find the teeter-totter balance here as you reach the chest forward.  When the weight moves far enough ahead, the back toes will lift off the floor.

Bonus Tip #5: Patience

Arm balances are not natural for human kind.  After all, we don’t often find ourselves suddenly falling into an arm balance as we walk down the street!  Naturally, it takes time for our body to become confident balancing weight onto our hands.  Be patient, work slowly, and the support and ease that you cultivate will put in you in an excellent position for coming into flight.

In the meantime, the conscientious practice of the following poses are excellent warm ups to include in your preparations:

  • Cat/ Cow – particularly cat so you can keep your booty low!  Also, work your excellent hand position here
  • Plank – Chaturanga: practice keeping the shoulder heads lifting and keeping the hips and shoulders in line
  • Lizard – good for hip opening and practicing keeping that booty high!
  • Malasana – good for hip opening and finding the engagement of the inner thighs
  • Crescent- hug your “leg magnets” to find your core from your toes to your pelvis

Happy practicing!

 

 

How arriving on time for meetings can help you reach enlightenment (and de-stress your life)

I am late.  All the time.

Usually only a couple minutes late, sometimes maybe five.  I’ll call if I’m going to get to ten, so at least I seem polite about it. But I am consistently, irrefutably, unarguably late.

I’ve been mulling over this habit of mine of late and trying to ferret out its origins.  Here are the top components:

1.  The ego: “Oh my goodness, I was just soooo busy at work that I could hardly tear myself away.  I am soooooo stressed out!”  I gush melodramatically.  Then I throw myself into a chair and wait for sympathy.  Because, after all, I must be very important.

2.  The obsessive-compulsive:  “I’ll just answer this one last little email, it won’t take but a minute.”  Fifteen minutes later, I’m running out the door.

3 . The masochist.  “I’m sooo sorry,” I cringe, “Sorry sorry, to be late.  I suck (am irresponsible, unworthy, etc. etc.)”

My habit is really a combination of all there.  But the truly insidious revelation is that I’ve simply gotten used to the stress of running late.  It’s become ground zero. And since I’m used to being stressed,  I create situations to manifest my “norm.”   I have been practicing being late.  And I’ve gotten really good at it.  I’m always just late enough to send my sympathetic nervous system into a tizzy; but never late enough to lose friends or a job.

We live in a culture that values stress.  Loud noises and fast cars get attention; meditation and quiet acts of kindness stay…well, quiet.  In the maelstrom of multi-tasking and escalating technology, stress has become synonymous with productivity and worth.  Despite the fact that stress is actually counter-productive (literally) and multitasking is actually impossible, we still expect others to look haggard if they’re really paying their dues.  In this climate, is it any wonder that we expect success and stress to be interdependent?

Similarly, we layer stress into our yoga practice.  As a power yoga practitioner, I have often muscled my way into poses and through chaturangas long after ease and integrity have left the building.  I have this idea that to practice “well,” I have to practice “hard.”  But really, all I’ve been doing is teaching my body how to layer tension onto a perfectly good asana.  And when we layer tension, we actually start to plaster over the intrinsic integrity and grace of the movement with extra stuff.  Just like when I’m late, I add a certain dramatic (and unnecessary) color to my experience.

What if practicing yoga were actually ease-full?  Rather than layering on more tension, what if we allowed our body to use its brilliant intrinsic support to move intelligently and efficiently through the asana practice?  Letting go of tension means sacrificing some of our ideas about doing a “hard” or “meaningful” yoga practice.  As one of my teachers said, it’s no longer about kicking our butt; now we have to kick our ego’s butt.

For those who aren’t yet convinced, allow me to offer a carrot.  In my own practice, I’ve realized that all the huffing and puffing holds me back.  When I practice with tension, all I’m teaching myself is how to stay tense.   In those moments that I remember to slow down and become more easeful, my experience shifts.  I’m still doing all the same poses, but they are less forced, more natural, more integrated.  Happier.

So here’s to the experiment.   Ferret out the little everyday stress triggers in your life and your practice and see how you are unconsciously nurturing them.  What is no longer serving you?  Then unlayer your asana.  Unlayer your life.  Relax your chaturanga; get to your meetings on time.

Let’s take a deep breath…and see what happens.