Doing It Alone: The Counsellor

Before you select a sperm donor, you have to go visit an approved counsellor. I guess so they can make sure that you aren’t crazy.

My fertility clinic provided me with a list of therapists and sent me on my way to make my appointment. My deep ambivalence about having a kid as a single mom was exposed in my procrastination; it took me a a couple of months to make the appointment. By the time I finally put on my game face, I was in the middle of teaching a month-long yoga teacher training intensive. Having finally mustered my courage, I did not want to wait another three weeks to see her. I was suddenly racing, on the clock. Late for everything, including my life.

I squished the appointment into a lunch break and dashed to see her.

“Oh Rachel, your poor foot!”

I had also fractured my foot that morning. Rushing to get out of my apartment (rushing for everything it felt), I had slammed my foot into my bedpost. I had wrapped it up haphazardly with tape, but it had bruised and swollen alarmingly. I looked at my foot. I noticed that it hurt.

I sat down and burst into tears.

“I’m so scared….” I wailed. Everything came rushing out. “My boyfriend and I broke up six months ago, and now I feel like everything is gone. I wanted to have a baby with someone I love, to share that. Not like this.” Everything that had been pent up started pouring out. The anxiety, the longing, the regret, the fear. I’d been fighting with depression for six months, hating myself for finding myself in this situation and resisting the reality that, well, fuck it, here I was. I was a dunce, an idiot, a failure.

“Of course you’re anxious!” She said, “Oh my God, Rachel, of course you are! If you weren’t, that would really be a problem!” Sarah gave me the sympathy that I did not want to give myself.

In the warmth of her presence, my hidden, horrible secrets came rushing out. I confessed everything: my ambivalence about even having a kid, my depression, my suicidal thoughts, my financial insecurity, my anxiety over the future. How much I missed my ex-boyfriend and tortured myself over our break up, how I was now spending time with a man who didn’t want kids at all. How I thought I would be failure if I wasn’t a mom. How I was afraid of ruining my life, afraid of regret, of bitterness, of missing my chance.

The deluge slowly stopped.

If this was a sanity test, I wasn’t sure how well I was doing. I became worried that Sarah might tell the fertility clinic to ban me.

“Rachel, no, this is normal,” she said firmly and quietly. “Most women who come and see me are confused and anxious. Ambivalence is okay.” Our time was up already, gone in what had seemed like a moment. “Let’s meet again,” she held me by the shoulders reassuringly, “so we can go over the actual sperm donation part of it…when you’re ready.” She hugged me at the door. ” You are not alone in this. Most women I speak with share the same fears and anxieties. Now, take care of your foot, okay?”

I looked down at my poor bruised foot.

Right.

I hobbled back out to the street.

It was still raining, my foot was still fractured, I was still anxious and confused. But I knew now that I hadn’t known before.

I wasn’t alone.

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Square Water Bottle by Clean Bottle

“Oh my gosh, what is that!” My office mates are excited. I’ve just pulled out my new Square water bottle by Clean Bottle. “It’s square! That’s so cool! And those are fun colors.” My yoga students are similarly excited. “It’s square! Now when you accidentally knock over your bottle in class it won’t roll all the way across the room.”

I’ve been walking around with my Tritan square water bottle now for a couple of weeks, and I really like it using it. The number one reason – and this is a rather surprising perk – is that it’s easy and comfortable to carry by it’s handle. I don’t have to wrap my entire hand around it to hold it, so I can juggle a few things at once.

Other (not so obvious) benefits. The bottom twists off, so you can easily clean the bottom of your bottle. For those of us who have found grunge in the bottom of water bottles before and tossed them out in disgust, here’s an opportunity to get your clean freak on and scrub your water bottle clean and shiny from all angles. There’s even an optional water filter that you can buy. If you prefer stainless steel, you can get their stainless steel version for a few bucks more.

Pro’s
  • Vibrant, fun colors
  • Handle is super easy to carry
  • Easy to clean
  • Dishwasher safe
  • Square bottom! Doesn’t roll.
  • Fruit infuser lets you pack your water with your favourite berries or fruit
  • Opens from bottom to easily add your infuser or water filter
  • Easy to clean bottom of your bottle
  • Plastic…eh, a pro and con, BPA free, but it won’t break
  • Fits into soft pockets meant for round bottles
Con’s
  • The lip isn’t the most fun to drink out of. But the size of the opening is good.
  • You have to open the lid to drink out of it. This doesn’t bother me, but some of you may like straws for easy sipping.
  • “Responsibly made in China” – not sure what “responsibly” means
  • Square shape doesn’t fit into my car cup holder or my bike water holder
  • Infuser won’t prevent small seeds or pieces of fruit from getting into water
Conclusion

If you have been lamenting the cleanliness of your bottle or if you constantly knock them over (like me), then this bottle could be a little gem in your collection. The bottles cost at $12 a pop for the plastic, $44 (on sale for $29) for the stainless steel. And you, dear reader, get a 30% discount if you use the code “rachelyoga”. So if you think being square is cool, then go on. Get your square on.