Excerpt from Yogi’s Guide to Dating: Chapter 11 – Saying No
Here is an excerpt from Chapter 11 of “Head over Heels: A Yogi’s Guide To Dating.” This excerpt is from the chapter on sexy times. Enjoy this snippet!
The voice of “no” can be quiet and is frequently drowned out by a cacophony of chatter from the mind. How many of us have eaten when we are not hungry, had sex when we weren’t interested, or pushed through our physical limits when we were sick and should have been in bed? The body’s wisdom can easily be trampled by the ego’s agenda.
To become integrated, we must pause and listen to what our body is saying.
Practice the pause.
By taking a moment to breathe, feel, and move into the space beyond our thoughts, we can practice honouring what our body really wants. When we can hear what we need, then we can make a more informed choice that upholds our whole experience.
Remember Ethan from Tinder?
After we moved past the initial confusion over mixed signals and paying for checks, we started dating. An engineer and a sailor, he took me on summer evening cruises where we grilled salmon, watched the sunset, and drank cold white wine. He was well informed, adventurous, and enough of a geek to be totally sexy. As you have probably surmised, I have a thing for geeks. He was patient, laid back and we took things slow.
After a couple of months, I thought that it might be time to sleep over Ethan’s apartment. I arrived on our date with toothbrush and birth control in tow. However, despite the preparation, there was something that didn’t feel quite right in our chemistry. My mind was full of exasperated chatter: “Don’t be a tease,” “Why not just do it?” “Don’t disappoint him,” “You’ve come this far!”
I have an old, dogged habit of being afraid of disappointing men. From my very first sexual experience, I’ve made their expectations more important than my experience. And here I was, nearly forty, with those same voices chattering in my ear.
But I didn’t want to listen to them anymore.
I pause. I try to get quiet, ignore my crazy mind chatter, and really listen to my body.
I’m not feeling it.
“I’m sorry,” I say finally, “I’m not there yet.”
He props himself up and looks at me, “This doesn’t just…drive you crazy?”
It seems impolite to say, “Uh, no, which is why I’d rather just go to sleep.” I clear my throat, “You know, I wish I were,” I am sincere in this wish. I’d rather be caught up in an unfettered, animal display of passion than have this particular conversation. “But I’m just not there yet.”
“Seriously?” He sounds surprised.
“Um, yeah, seriously.”
He lays back in silence.
The silence grows.
I start to get that tight feeling in my chest. It’s the feeling that says, “I’m bad, I’ve done something wrong.” It’s the feeling that I’ll do just about anything to avoid.
I frown up at the ceiling. Fuck that feeling.
“I’m going to go home,” I suddenly say. My body is saying “no,” and I am going to listen to it. For the first time in my life, I am going to leave someone’s bed. Even though it seems rude. “I’m sorry, Ethan. This just doesn’t feel good right now.” I pack up my things – toothbrush, birth control, and all – and I go.
Soon thereafter, Ethan told me that he had been having feelings for another woman. Perhaps a deep inner sixth sense had steered me to wait on intimacy, or perhaps I was simply lucky with my timing. Either way, I was happy that I had listened to my intuition.
The right person wants the relationship to work both ways. The right person will never mind waiting until the time is right for you.