This is a blog in a series called, “Doing It Alone,” to share some of the trials and tribulations of my attempts in 2017 to get pregnant as a single woman.
I’ve been peeing on sticks.
Although I have a vague sense of my own fertility cycles, I’m now tasked with being more diligent about detecting my “surge.” The word “surge” sounds wonderfully romantic, as if I will overcome by a mystical hormonal tidal wave each month that makes me ripe for mating.
Kind of like Spock during pon farr in Wrath of Khan.
In reality, “surge” describes the wave of luteinizing hormone (LH) that causes the release of your ripest egg from your ovaries (ie: ovulation).
The old fashioned way of detecting fertility (and the “surge”) is by paying attention to the timing of your cycle and logging the physical changes of your body. For those of you who didn’t pay attention in 8th grade science class (I certainly didn’t), a woman is most fertile 1-2 days before and during ovulation. The egg can only live about 24 hours after ovulation unless it’s fertilized. But since sperm can live 3-4 days, if you have sex before you ovulate, you might be in business. For most women, ovulation occurs about 14 days before the onset of your period.
However, a general understanding of timing is not enough. Every woman’s cycle is different, so you have to fine tune your analysis by paying attention to other tell-tale signs. One of the most obvious indicators of impending fertility? The quality and composition of your vaginal secretions.
Okay, I’m sorry, this next section is a mild digression. Do you mind if I use a word that is not “secretions?” I’d rather not equate my secret honeysuckle sauce to something that could be from Aliens. A quick look under in urban slang yields the following possibilities:
- pooter pudding
- box snot
- cunt custard
- vulva chowder
I am dissatisfied with these terms, as they verge on misogynistic. I’ve come up with a few of my own (and thank you Eve Ensler, for ever inspiring name reclamation). You are free to use these in your next conversation with your gynaecologist:
- vulvambrosia
- babe butter sauce
- ardent spirit (a la aqua vitae)
- honeymead
Thank you. Moving on.
Common descriptors of our, ah, joyjuice are poetic: “egg white,” “sticky,” “creamy.” Right around ovulation, the consistency reaches a thick and irrepressible “egg white,” which is designed to create a more hospitable environment for sperm survival. (More info.)
Another important fertility indicator is temperature, as your basal temperature increases about a half degree a day or two after you ovulate. One of my best friends planned both her pregnancies impeccably (to the month) with both of her kids by tracking her temperature. She’s a fertility ninja. Cervix height also changes with impending ovulation. You reach up into your vagina like a world champion spelunker to assess if your cervix is low, firm and dry or high, soft and wet.
Like many of us, I had assumed it was fairly easy to get pregnant. Sure, I’d heard stories about fertility challenges, but I’d been so freaked out by the “safe sex” and unwanted pregnancy campaigns of the 80’s and 90’s that I figured having a kid would only take a round or two of unprotected sex. Of course I’m wrong.
Here are the sobering notes I took during my first appointment with the Olive Fertility Centre:
Natural pregnancy: 5-10% chance of pregnancy every month
- by age of 41, 50% of women are infertile
- by age of 45, 95% of women are infertile
- 35 and under, 20-25% of women are infertile
So if I’m going to do my best to get pregnant, I have to hone in on my ovulation day with laser like precision. Guessing at the “egg-white” quality of my secretions and palpating the height of my cervix isn’t going to cut it. Although it has been very gratifying to discover that there is a wildish organic orchestra playing within my body every month, I am going to maximize my chances and also rely on science.
Hence, peeing on sticks.
The sticks (available online or at a local pharmacy) measure the amount of LH in the urine. They’re like pregnancy sticks, but they detect ovulation rather than pregnancy.
Here’s the plan:
Once the stick gives me a thumbs up that I’m about to ovulate (usually through a comforting smiley face), I call the fertility clinic. They can prepare my pre-selected sperm for, uh, what’s the word? Insertion. The rest of my life gets put on hold and I beeline for the clinic the next day. Clear my schedule, cancel appointments. And bam, like that, we’ve got our one shot for the month.
The shot is still pretty long. Even given ideal factors, less than 12% each month.
I’m peeing on sticks, and halfway through my cycle, I start bleeding. What the what? Is this spotting, is this menstruation, is this stress? Wouldn’t you know, the very time that I need my body to perform with some semblance of regularity, everything goes nutso. #timingiseverything
I take a breath. Could just be a glitch, right?
So what else can you do?
I keep peeing on sticks.
