Life Guard Not On Duty: Five Strategies To Practice Your Own Self Care

I recently got back from a very necessary weekend getaway in Whistler. Despite my line of work and my lifestyle which are both built around health and wellness, my cup was admittedly getting pretty empty.

I was sitting in the hot tub at the Spa [pretty luxurious] when I noticed a sign on the wall. It said: Lifeguard not on duty, practice your own self care. I smiled. Who needs a lifeguard in a hot tub, I thought?

But I kept thinking about it. A lifeguard’s duty is to maintain consistent surveillance of patrons in the area they are responsible for. A lifeguard possesses skills in scanning, observing and assessing areas with lots of activity and dangerous situations. He/she oversees the safety of the patrons and is ready to act swiftly and appropriately in case of an emergency.

It dawned on me. I am the lifeguard on duty in my own life.

Here are five self care strategies and affirmations to help keep you buoyant and in your flow:

Develop a daily ritual of mindfulness

Mindfulness is bringing your attention to what is happening in the present moment and can be practiced in a variety of ways. This can be in the form of seated meditation, mindful eating or preparing of food, walking, breathing or listening. Setting a timer to hold the container for this practice and engaging in present moment awareness daily is a rich experience that assists in regulating the nervous system and also develops self awareness & intimacy.

Affirmation: The space and clarity I experience from my mindfulness practice is an elixir of wellness for my mind and body.

Move your body

Human beings need to move. It is good for all the systems that make up the living organism that is YOU. Whether you are very able bodied or more restricted in your physical form, there is a type of movement out there for you. Check in with yourself and pick what you can and want to do. Run, walk, stretch, lift, push, pull, ride, swim; move it. Any exercise or mobilization done with consistency, care and self respect is bound for positive results.

Affirmation: When I move my body I connect to it, I improve my mood and I preserve my health. 

Say no

Powerful no’s lead to powerful yes’s. Be kind and graceful in your approach to saying NO as you practice building a tolerance to the feeling of disappointing others. Putting other’s needs above your own will only end up disappointing and harming you in the end. Be unapologetic about the choices you make and boundaries you set around your self care.

Affirmation: When I say no to others to practice self care, I fill my cup and enable myself to share with others from an abundant place. 

Plan a self care vacation

You are worthy of leisure and down time. The daily self care practices are good maintenance but the vacations or getaways are the equivalent of “tune ups” for a car. They are necessary. Either solo or in good company, taking time away from your daily life is good practice in perspective and restoration. Less screen time, more nature and fresh air and maybe even no alarm clocks and tight itineraries. When they are given enough time and space, the body and mind begin to relax and surrender more deeply. There are often fears or beliefs that delay us from doing these good things for ourselves. But creating the appropriate journey that meets your needs and your means is always possible.

Affirmation: I give myself permission to take time off so I can experience a renewal in my perspective and give myself the rest I need to recharge.

Clean it up

This one doesn’t sound as exhilarating as the ones above but is incredibly important. Cleaning house and taking care of “business” can take the form of literally cleaning your apartment, paying your bills, or creating a budget. Creating a clean uncluttered space to live in can soothe your soul. Having a system to pay bills on time and decrease your debts will alleviate the stress chipping away at your nerves.

Working through the dirt and the muck is not easy, but usually results in a transformative learning experience and a sense of renewed clarity.

I take a deep breath and find the courage to clean up the areas of my life that need it the most. By doing so I am benefiting my body and I am an active participant in creating my best life.

Final thoughts

Your life is happening now. Don’t wait for your body or mind to break down to begin doing these things for yourself. Make use of your own inner lifeguard to scan the danger zones and remedy them before they become emergencies. The daily wear and tear is real; having your own back will support your motion forward.

Begin each day by asking yourself: What is one thing I can do today to care for myself?

Self care IS THAT important. Our mental, physical and emotional health depend on it and our lives suffer from the lack of it. It’s time to dive into caring for yourself. And trust that you will not let yourself sink.

Affirmation: I am aware that self care is not selfish. Now is the time to show myself the love and the care I need and deserve so I can thrive in my life.

Live Your Yoga: Making A Decision, Part 2

This is part of a three part blog, Live Your Yoga: Making A Decision. Check out Part 1 here.

Making decisions – especially big life decisions – can be very challenging. We can feel pulled in every direction. Which choice is “right?”

The Bhagavad Gita offers us insight into how we can live our yoga in the midst of our daily life struggles and choices. In this epic story, our hero (Arjuna) is counselled by Krishna (his charioteer and the voice of Arjuna’s “higher power”) on how he can live yoga and still take action as a warrior. Yoga isn’t only for peaceful times; it’s for every moment of our lives. Especially those times that seem full of conflict.

Path 2: Karma Yoga

Krishna schools Arjuna on three types of yoga. The second form of yoga, karma yoga, is the yoga of action.

“Yoga is skill in action.”

Krishna dismisses the idea yoga can only happen when we’re meditating. “Aren’t we always in action?” Krishna asks. “No one is free from action.” In other words, rather than avoid choices (“I just won’t do anything!”), we must recognize that living involves action, choice and engagement. We simply can’t avoid it!

This understanding frees us from the idea that yoga “really” happens when we are sitting quietly in meditation, or zonked out in a good Savasana. Yoga isn’t just for the peaceful times; it is for all the times.

Not only that, but we each have a dharma – a life’s purpose – that we must follow and fulfill. Since Arjuna is a warrior, his highest good is fighting. For you, your life’s purpose may be caring for your kids, elevating your community, exploring new worlds, creating connections, or excelling in your work. Your dharma is the thing the compels you, lights you up, aligns with your values, and gives your soul that little “ahhhhh” sound of satisfaction. Your dharma can change over time. At one point your dharma may have involved your work, but now it involves your family. (And don’t worry my friends: for many of us, our dharma sometimes is just figuring out what our damned dharma is!)

However, Krishna cautions that we are going about “action” wrong, which is what causes all of our suffering.

“You have a right to your actions, but never to your actions’ fruit.”

What does he mean?

Krishna is saying that you must act. You have to act. And you are responsible for how you act. However, you cannot control the results of your actions.

Here’s a few examples:

  • You have a huge exam coming up. You study your ass off. You do your best. But you still fail.
  • You feel wronged by a family member. You try to bring up the issue compassionately. It all goes to hell.
  • You have a big work project. You do your best. At the 11th hour, somethings goes wrong and your team misses the deadline.

According to Krishna, success or failure isn’t the point: what is important is that you took action to the best of your ability. The world is far too vast and complex for us to take responsibility for everything that happens. The wise person cultivates equanimity in the face of success or failure.

This part of karma yoga is sometimes misunderstood: it’s not that we don’t care about the result or try our best; it’s that we recognize that we can’t take responsibility for everything that happens.

And here’s a finer point, my friends: sometimes what is beyond our control is actually something that is within ourselves.

Let me give an example.

  • I do my best to have a loving relationship with my family.
  • Everything that is under my conscious control I direct towards the highest purpose of love, connection, and respect.
  • Sometimes I have forgotten myself and gotten really angry and had fights or said dumb things.
  • When I was a kid, I had an argumentative family and sometimes those old habits just seem to come out of nowhere.

Our conscious mind (and the part of us that is connected to aligning with our highest selves and our dharma) is one piece of who we are. But there is a vast part of our mind/body that is unconscious. After all, your heart beat and your blood flows and you can’t really control that. Similarly, you have some deep patterning that your conscious mind is not aware of. And in yoga terms, you’re carrying around karma from your past lives to boot.

So sometimes, we are beyond our own control.

Doing your best may mean that this old patterning surfaces despite your best, conscious intentions. And you must let go of the results even so.

Let me be clear: this does not let us off the hook. We can’t run around acting badly and say, “My karma made me do it.” We are under a divine contract to do our authentic best and learn from our actions. However, what it does mean is that you have to stop beating yourself up for all those times that you feel like you may have fallen short. How much time have we wasted in dwelling in the past? We our missing our ability to do our best in this moment when we get stuck dwelling over something that has gone wrong.

We must accept that we are mysterious sometimes – even to ourselves.

Your job: do your best, and let go of the results.

Try it: Journal

Take ten minutes (yes, ten) and do a free write, stream-of-consciousness about your life’s purpose. See where it takes you.

Try it: Yoga in Action

Today as you move through the world, pause and ask: is this my very best?

  • Set an intention to do all actions according to your personal best.
  • AND (don’t forget) practice letting go of how it turns out.

One last note: Krishna says, “It’s better to do your own dharma poorly than to do someone else’s dharma well.” I love this. Krishna loves you for trying. You do not have to be the best at what you do. You simply have to be your best you. 

And that is enough.

Are you a teacher teaching the Bhagavad Gita? Check out my discussion notes and study guide. 

5 Things to Consider When Choosing a Yoga Retreat

Have you ever considered going on a yoga retreat? A retreat offers an opportunity to dive a bit deeper into your yoga practice, no matter what level you are at. With the common everyday distractions – work, commuting, family obligations, household chores – removed, there is no excuse for not making it to your mat. While you are on a retreat, everything is (or should aim to be) curated to allow you to take time for yourself and for your practice. On some retreats, all meals are provided for you. This means that you don’t even have to think about what to make for lunch or dinner, let alone, shop for the ingredients, prep, or clean up. Retreats can create space for you to self-reflect, explore more about your yoga practice, pamper yourself, meet new friends, discover a new city or country, and much more.

A quick Google search will confirm that there are no shortage of yoga retreats out there. If you’re looking to narrow down the choices and find some that could be a great fit for you, here are a few things to take into account.

1.Location

Where is your retreat happening?

Is it nearby, which requires you to take a car, train, or short flight to get to? While some of these retreats can appear to be a bit more expensive, they are often more affordable to travel to and require less time away from work and family to get to. If your retreat is offered in a place that requires extensive travel, you’ll want to take a look at flight prices for the time of year you will be going and what the flights look like. Your destination might be close to the airport, or you might need another flight or some other mode of transportation to get you there. Read what is included for each retreat, as some offer one-way or roundtrip transfers from local airports, which can help alleviate stress and save on added costs.

Think about where you want to go and why you want to go there. If you’ve always dreamed of exploring the serene hills of Tuscany with a lover, a solo retreat there might not make the most sense. Think that a jungle retreat to escape the hustle and bustle of city living or your family demands will do you good? It might, but make sure you find out the details on if you will be forced to completely disconnect or if there is an option to check your email or make calls to home every few days. It’s good to think about the purpose of your retreat which can help narrow down some viable location options. Once you have your intentions clear, it will help you decide if you’re taking this trip on your own, or if you want to explore the retreat with your partner/family/friends.

2. Instructor

Who is going to be leading your yoga and meditation classes?

If it’s a teacher who you have practiced with before, you probably have a good idea of the types of classes they teach, their style, and personality. If your teacher is local, go take a few classes with them. If your retreat is with a teacher you don’t know, or they are not nearby, there are a few things to consider. You might see if they have any online videos so you can get a sense of their teaching style. You can take a look at their website or social pages as this will let you know what kinds of classes they regularly teach, and give you some insights to what they value and want to express in their teachings. If you’re looking for Vinyasa classes and want to work on your sun salutations on your retreat, check and see if your teacher has experience with and a passion for this too. If that is what you’re looking for and you sign up for a retreat with an instructor who specializes in gentle hatha and restorative practices, you may be disappointed. Don’t be afraid to reach out and ask questions! Most teachers want you to get the most out of your retreat experience and will be happy to email, chat, and answer any questions you may have.

3. Yoga Classes/Styles

Most retreats offer one to three classes a day.

  • How many classes are offered each day (this might also vary each day depending on the overall schedule) and what types of classes are they?
  • If the retreat you are looking at only offers an early morning class and you choose to sleep in, are you okay with missing the only class of the day?

If a retreat has several options, you might indulge in taking an afternoon siesta, or strolling through a nearby town/village to take in the sights knowing that you can get your yoga in at another time of the day. There might be some different options than you are used to seeing at your local studio. This article from HealthyWay explains the different types of yoga that are generally offered. You might go on a walking mediation to experience the sights, sounds, and feels of nature. If you’ve never tried restorative yoga before and it is on the schedule, this might be your chance to try it out and see what you think. Come back to your intention for taking the retreat and see how this matches up.

You will also want to note what kind of yoga experience is helpful to have for your specific retreat. While many offer classes suitable for all levels of practice, look at the types of practices offered and the length of time they are. If you are newer to yoga and your desired retreat is only offering 90-minute classes, it might be a bit intense. It is a good idea to have a least a few months of yoga under your belt before signing up for a week long retreat. This way you’ll know the poses and the names of them, how they feel in your body, and have the stamina for consecutive days of practice. Again, reach out to the instructor and be honest about where your practice is at and how this will fit into what is being offered.

4. What’s Included

It is important to know what the cost of your retreat includes.

Most retreats do not include flights, so do some research and find out what the costs are to get there. If you’re staying local, ask your organizer if there is an option to catch a ride with someone nearby. Some retreats include all meals, while others include only certain meals. If you’re flying to your destination, check to see if transportation from the airport to the retreat location is included. If you want to catch a volcano sunrise while you are in Hawaii, what will be the extra cost to get there and make this happen on your own? If you’re heading to Mexico and are excited to enjoy some margaritas, you’ll want to know if any alcoholic beverages are included with your retreat package. Read the fine print, and if you’re still not sure, reach out to the organizer/instructor or retreat centre itself.

5. Cuisine

As a foodie, this one is important to me! Many yoga retreats default to vegetarian menus. There are some that are more specific and offer vegan cuisine. If you’re on a retreat that is focused on cleansing, you might see more juices or plant-based foods. I have been on retreats that serve fish and/or meat as they are local and considered an important part of the culture. An Italy retreat might offer up some local wine, while a beach retreat might have an abundance of coconut water. If you are responsible for some meals on your own, you might want to do a little research on what the local cuisine consists of. Put this into your budget too, as it will add to the overall cost of your getaway. Most places are very accommodating when it comes to dietary restrictions, but be sure to double check that they can take care of what you need them too. 

While there are some things to consider, choosing a retreat is also a very exciting time to ask yourself some questions and get clear on what you want to get out of this amazing experience. With so many great options out there, your perfect retreat is just waiting for you to say “yes”!

If you’re looking to book soon, check out the following options!

Happy travels!

Live Your Yoga: Making A Decision, Part 1

I have struggled with decisions. Especially the big ones.

Questions such as:

  • should I be a single mom
  • should I stay in this relationship
  • should I leave my job
  • should I end this friendship

Even if we’re not up against a “major” life decision, we face a myriad of choices every day. We all want to make “good” choices. But what does that mean? And how can our yoga practice help?

In this three part blog, we’ll look at the three tools that are unveiled in the The Bhagavad Gita, one of the yoga tradition’s most beloved texts. The Gita is a smaller part of a huge epic called The Mahabharata. 

To set the stage, in the Gita, our hero, Arjuna, is a warrior who is faced with a terrible decision: should he take up arms and fight a battle against his own family? Although his cause is just, the destruction will be great.

Arjuna is our everyman. Just as him, we too are embroiled in our own daily battles. Right now, think of a battle/choice that is currently in your “field.” Pause for a moment to consider your quandary. In our conflicts, the “right” choice is often obscured in ambiguity. All options seem terrible. The outcome is uncertain. How do we choose? And how can we be yogis when our actions may create pain?

Arjuna’s first instinct is to simply not act. He throws down his weapons. (Can you relate to this desire?) Arjuna turns to his friend, Krishna (a god), who is his charioteer to beg for guidance. Once Arjuna has opened himself to instruction, Krishna lays down some wisdom to help guide Arjuna to his best path. Through the Gita, Krishna lays out three paths for being a practicing yogi in the world.

Krishna represents our higher power, our inner voice of wisdom, our inner sage. Even in the midst of battle – perhaps most keenly in the midst of battle – we can uncover our highest self.

Path 1: Jnana Yoga

Simply stated, know your true self.

You are not your thoughts, your feelings, your body, or your ego. You are not the habitual thought/feeling patterns that make up your personality. Rather, the True Self is the power of Consciousness that lies behind all of these mini-dramas and fluctuations. Imagine that you have gone to a movie: as a spectator, you are caught up in the the drama of the story. But that personality on the screen is not you. While that little character is having its dramatic escapades, you are safe in you chair, watching. Your true self is the Witness, the Seer, the Observer.

Try it. You may set a 5-minute timer.

  • Come into a meditation seat and close your eyes.
  • Start to watch your thoughts and feelings arise and go.
  • Can you create space to watch them arise, without getting caught up in them?
  • Who is the Watcher?

When you can begin to watch your thoughts, you will begin to realize just how compulsive your mind actually is! It chases its own tail: reliving victories and defeats, anxiously scrabbling for control, and “hamster-wheeling” through thought cycles. The mind constantly compares. It creates names, labels, judgments and patterns. However, as soon as our minds begin to dissect reality, we lose our ability to experience the totality of what actually IS. Our minds are too busy comparing what we’re experiencing to everything that we have already experienced to take in the present moment unvarnished.

Try this: open experiencing.

  • Take yourself on a walk, preferably outside.
  • Breathe. Take in the world through your senses as it is. You will need to slow down.
  • Experience the world freshly, avoid stories and labels.
  • Stay in the space of open experiencing, without expectation or interpretation.

Once you have settled into the space of the Experiencer (rather than the experience), consider: how does your battle feel now? From your higher perspective, what choice is the most elevated?

Stay tuned for Part 2.

Om City, the Web series

Something super fun is brewing…yoga teachers/actors Jessie Barr and Tom O’Brien have created a web series called Om City detailing the life of a New York yoga teacher as she struggles to help people find their Zen. As a yoga teacher – and a former actor and New Yorker – this project hits close to home and I was inspired to share it out. It’s also hilarious, from the heart, and hits some deep truths about the yoga biz that hurt so good. Tom and I caught up for a quick chat.

How did this start?

Jessie and I met when we were both teaching at Elena Brower’s yoga studio in New York, Virayoga. And at the time, we were engaged (now married) and we are both actor/filmmakers as well as yoga teachers and I had made two feature films ( Fairhaven, Manhattan Romance) and we wanted to make something together and were inspired by the series High Maintenance. They self financed two seasons and then got picked up by HBO.

We were circling around different ideas for a series and were staying away from the yoga world just because we had both always kept these two parts of our lives separate and then we finally decide to go with the age old adage, write what you know. We just thought the storytelling possibilities were endless and we had never seen yoga depicted in the mainstream media in any kind of real way. It’s always broad and over the top and ridiculous. And in OM City we certainly have humor and fun with the yoga world but it’s always based in reality and comes from a place of love. Yoga has definitely changed both of our lives and we met each other through yoga!

How has the response been?

The response to season 1 has been overwhelming, it’s been viewed in 99 countries, we were a critics pick in the New York Times, featured in USA Today’s “Web To Watch” and voted “Best Web Series” by Decider.com and at the 2018 New Media Film Festival in LA. We got messages and comments from all across the globe. The series just seemed to resonate with yogis and non yogis as well. It’s been a really gratifying response and people have been reaching out and saying they want more episodes so that’s why we just launched the season 2 Kickstarter.
We literally released the first season, got married a month later and then moved across the country to LA. So, it’s been a while but we are finally ready and really excited to pick up this story and these characters and make more episodes of OM CITY.

Where can people find you?

All seven episodes of season 1 can be viewed for free on our website: omcityseries.com And if you like it and want to see more episodes please click the Kickstarter link below and make a pledge and share on social media. It’s gonna take a village so we need everybody’s help to make OM CITY Season 2 a reality.
Go check it out!

Eight good reasons to get uncomfortable

  • You want to host your first yoga retreat, but are paralyzed by self-doubt.  
  • You know it’s time to try broadcasting live on Facebook…but can’t work up the nerve to do it.
  • You know you’re not “just” a yoga teacher and have a mission to help people connect with their purpose and live healthier lives, but standing in those shoes feels overwhelming.

What if you don’t succeed?  It IS easier to stick to what you “know.” But, time goes by and you’re doing the same thing day after day, wondering why you aren’t further along in your career.  What happened?

You’re stuck in your comfort zone!  

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel safe and secure, but too much of it leads to stagnation.  Typically, everything you want is just on the other side of your comfort zone. There is growth and success in the unfamiliar.

It’s time to get comfortable being uncomfortable!

However, this is easier said than done.  As children, we’re natural risk-takers.  But, as adults, we hold ourselves back and tend to try fewer new things.  We are afraid of failure! It’s helpful to connect to the benefits of stepping out of your comfort zone. You are more likely to push through fear if you’re aware of the rewards on the other side.  

Here are eight benefits to stepping outside your comfort zone:

1.Boost Your Confidence

Pushing past your boundaries and taking on the unknown builds self-confidence – even if you aren’t 100% successful the first time.  Every time you accomplish something you didn’t think you were capable of it boosts your self-esteem. Stop thinking about what you could do and start acting!

2.Increase Your Creativity

When you do the same thing day after day, it becomes more challenging to dream and create. New situations require using your creativity to find solutions.  You may even be surprised at how creative you become when faced with a new challenge.

3.Experience Growth

Every time you get out of your comfort zone there is an opportunity to grow.  You can’t evolve and expand if you stick to your regular routines and what’s familiar.  Trying new things will help you learn and navigate life.

4.Opportunity To Practice

That old saying, “practice makes perfect” has merit.  It takes practice to achieve great things, and it typically takes a lot of small gains to achieve competence.  Also, if you do fail, it’s an opportunity to pick yourself up and try again: every time you push yourself to try again, you’ll boost your self-confidence.

5.Live Without Regrets

One of the biggest fears in life is ending up with regrets.  Do you really want to spend your life wondering, what if? If you don’t take actions outside of your comfort zone on a regular basis, it likely what will happen. You have one life so live it to the fullest!

6.Things WILL Change

Yes, they will and often for the better!  New people, new places, new experiences, and new knowledge.  It can feel scary and overwhelming but once you push through the fear and experience change, you will focus more on where you want to be. Change may be exactly what you need to achieve your goals.

7.Build Resiliency

Having the ability to overcome challenges and face them head-on is a magical quality.  When you are able to bounce back from seemingly insurmountable situations, the belief in who you are can carry you to new heights.

8.Increase Your Chance of Success

Success happens over time and is usually a result of taking consistent actions outside your comfort zone.  You become stronger and more confident with each gain you make. Every time you step out of your comfort zone you move closer to your goals.

Remember great things never come from inside your comfort zone!

How To Slow Down Time

We live in a world of “nexting.”

I’m eating breakfast, and thinking about lunch. I’m eating lunch and thinking about dinner. I’m eating any meal, and thinking about the class I have to plan or the client I have to call.

We love to “next”.

While some people blame insta-devices social media for our atrociously short attention spans and rabbity-hopping brains, I believe there is something far simpler and more dreadful at play: we don’t really like to be present.

Being present means that we will slow down. And when we slow down, we start to feel. We feel our heartbreak, our longing, and our intrinsic restlessness. We come face to face with the discomfort of being human in a body we can’t truly control in a universe of uncertain meaning. Rather than sit in this unsettling void, we prefer to distract ourselves with the “what am I doing next” game.

Another feeling that is challenging for us to face? Boredom.

When we get present, the reality of our daily life can feel strange and remarkably humdrum. Oh, here I am cleaning the counters, here I am walking to the store, here I am cleaning a litter box. We are not James Bond; most of our waking hours are spent in tasks that are plainly unexciting. “Is this all there is to my life?” we wonder. “Shouldn’t I be doing something more impressive and adventurous with my time?”

Thus begins a mini-existential crisis: what’s it all mean?

Rather than sit with this disconcerting question, we instinctively return to “nexting.” Like the bunny rabbit that gets freaked out by the wide-open spaciousness of the field, we dive right back into our burrow.

However, if we can endure a mini-existential freak out (even for just a few moments), then our true superpower is revealed: our ability to slow down time. When we become present, we transition from being on a rocket ship to riding in a buggy: life slows down and we can see the world around us. If we can bear to sit in our feelings/boredom/restlessness for just a few moments, we are rewarded by becoming more alive and awake in the world.

Right now, stop the “nexting”. Breathe. Be in your body. Turn on your senses. Give yourself a full minute (set a timer!) to do nothing but be. Embrace the birthright of your superpower. And look around in awe.

The Science Behind Sleep and How to Improve It

“Don’t it always seem to go… that you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone?” – Joni Mitchell

If you’ve lost the ability to get a good night’s sleep, you can attest to this (Joni Mitchell never lies). No one appreciates sleep more than someone who is having trouble getting it.

The reasons behind your lack of sleep may be internal or external, but the good news is that we have solutions for both.

Why sleep is so crucial

When you think of all the important things you have to do in a day, sleep probably doesn’t even make the cut. It’s nothing more than a time when we recharge our batteries, so we can start over and tackle another day. But what if someone told you that sleep is one of the most important things you can do for your health?

All the other stuff –eating right, exercising and avoiding bad habits—is important too, but your body would be in serious trouble without sleep.

While you’re sleeping, the brain is busy forming new pathways to get you ready to learn, remember and function the next day. Your body is healing and repairing the heart and blood vessels and helping to maintain a healthy balance of hormones that control your eating and immune system. You’ll notice this when you start getting more colds throughout the year. 

The science of sleep

When you drift off to dreamland, you’re in a state of REM sleep. But you don’t get there immediately.

First, you enter the type of sleep scientists call non-REM sleep. Non-REM sleep actually consists of four stages.

  • Stage 1 happens right when you first start drifting off to sleep. This is usually when someone nudges you and you swear you weren’t sleeping.
  • Stage 2 is when your heart rate and breathing slow and your body temperature drops.
  • Stages 3 and 4 of non-REM sleep are a form of deep sleep.

You may have heard that REM sleep is where it’s at, but scientists have since learned that non-REM sleep is even more important than REM sleep for learning and memory.

REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep is the type of sleep where you dream. This is a period of deep sleep where your eyes move rapidly behind closed lids and your brainwaves are almost as active as when you’re awake. During REM sleep, your breathing quickens and the body becomes paralyzed as you dream.

On any given night, you’ll cycle between non-REM and REM sleep about 4 to 5 times.

How to get more sleep

There are two kinds of major sleep disturbances: internal and external. You may only be dealing with one kind, or you may suffer from a combination. Either way, these tips can help you get a better rest.

External sleep disturbances

We’ve all had sleepless nights because someone was making too much of a racket, whether it was your child, a construction crew or an inconsiderate neighbor. And while there’s usually little you can do about the source of these issues, there are some things you can do to help yourself get as much sleep as possible.

  • Get some good earplugs – Of course, this isn’t recommended if your child is the one keeping you up, but in almost any other case, earplugs can help dull the external noise enough for you to get some rest.
  • Use room darkening curtains – If you have to sleep at off hours, you may benefit from getting room darkening shades or curtains. These will help trick your body into thinking it’s supposed to be sleeping.
  • Go to sleep earlier – If you know something is going to disturb your sleep, like a crying baby, get to sleep earlier to make up for the lost sleep. It’s not the same as sleeping through the night in one stretch, but it’s a good temporary solution.

Internal sleep disturbances

You spend all day longing for your bed, but then you get your first big burst of energy as your head hits the pillow. Again. Or you fall straight to sleep only to wake up at 3 a.m. every night – like clockwork.

These things could be happening for a myriad of reasons, but they are signs that you need to take better care of your body during the day. Here are some tips to help take care of yourself, so you can get better sleep.

  • Cut back on alcohol – You may think that glass of wine is helping you sleep, but it could be doing the opposite. If you drink a lot of alcohol right before bed, it will almost certainly lead to a restless sleep. In fact, the more you drink, the less likely you are to get a deep REM sleep.
  • Spend 30 minutes to an hour on relaxation – The National Sleep Foundation recommends that you read a non-work-related book or magazine, spend a few minutes journaling, perform a hygiene ritual and/or meditate before bed.
  • Get a massage – As if you needed an excuse to get a massage, the National Institutes of Health advises that massage therapy can reduce fatigue and improve sleep, specifically, it can help you get more of that restorative deep sleep you’re after.
  • Exercise daily – Try to get at least thirty minutes of exercise daily, and make sure some of it is vigorous. Maybe add a sprint to your jog or take a spinning class each week. Just get that heart rate up during the day and you should benefit from better sleep, according to the National Sleep Foundation.
  • Eat more leafy greens – Insomnia is a common symptom of magnesium deficiency. This mineral works by increasing GABA which encourages relaxation and sleep. If you’re not getting enough magnesium in your diet, magnesium deficiency may be causing your insomnia. Green leafies are high in magnesium, but if you’re not a fan, you can also up your intake of figs, avocados, bananas, nuts and seeds, black beans, brussels sprouts, green beans, and seafood.

If you’re reading this article after pulling another unintentional all-nighter, know that there’s an end in sight. Follow the tips outlined here and you should be able to improve your quality and quantity of sleep over time. If you’re still having trouble sleeping, talk to your doctor about potential causes. Together, you should be able to get to the bottom of the issue, so you can get back to sleep.

How to practice self care (it’s not just about the spa)

I hear the term “self care” thrown out there a LOT. In fact, I use the words “self care” frequently myself! Self care has the potential to help us sustain our health and our relationship to ourselves. But what is “self care” really – and how do we practice it?

I want to take a moment and unpack the concept of “self care” as I have come to experience and understand it in my life, in my practice and in my work.

There is more to self care than the “treat yourself nice” type of care. Consumer self care (spa days, pedicures, afternoons at the beach) can be yummy and nourishing, but by itself it only provides a quick fix from the stresses of life.

What form of self-care is deeper?

Deep Self Care

Deep self care is about having your own back and attending to yourself much like a parent would a child. It means getting real and making clear choices for your long-term wellness. This is capital S-elf care.

Sometimes self care is pretty and smells good. But sometimes this kind of consumer self care only scratches the surface of what we really, deeply need. While it may be pleasant to spend a your day at the spa, we may found ourselves replaying out habitual stress patterns the very next day. When we look at our lives more holistically, maybe a better form of true self care would be to create a spreadsheet for your monthly budget or dig into that relationship that isn’t really serving you anymore… get my drift?

Self care is care provided “for you, by you”. It’s about identifying your own needs and taking steps to meet them. While it may involve a spa day, it is also about taking the time to do the activities that nurture you and support your priorities. And it is so much more. It is practicing your ability to survive and thrive and by building your intuitiveness and resilience.

Take some time to connect to yourself and get clear on your true self care needs. At times, this may lead you to delight in simplicity without having to buy, consume or add anything. At other times, you may be guided to a specific food, a practitioner, a city, a task (that budget, for example), a class or a massage.

Sacred Ritual

Self Care is a sacred ritual.

Any action that you take that has meaning and effects beyond its surface appearance. Health and happiness are not things that comes ready made; they arise from your own actions: your intentional, mindful and powerful actions. The choice is always yours.

If you’d like to learn more about creating your personal deep self-care strategy, I’m offering complimentary 30-minute sessions through September 30 in Vancouver or via Skype. It’s an opportunity to get clear, define your deeper needs, and set your priorities for a sustainable fall and winter.

Book a free 30-minute session.

Swedish Death Clean Your Life

Swedish death cleaning:

döstädning: cleaning and de-cluttering before you die

My friend was moving across the country. In preparation for her move, she was sorting her possession into two piles: what would be moved, and what would be sacrificed to the Salvation Army gods. She sighed and blew her hair out of her face as she placed an armful of clothing into the Sally Ann pile, “I am embracing the Swedish death clean,” she declared.

“Pardon, the what?”

“The Swedish death clean,” she said, “it’s when you declutter your life before you die so your heirs don’t have to deal with your crap. But, you know, I am going to embrace it now. I want to get ride of it all!” She looked at her piles, then moved a pair of jeans back in her “keep” box. “Well…most of it.”

Generally speaking, we humans don’t deal well with change. We don’t like letting go. Whether we’re giving up the teddy bear from fourth grade (“I can’t possibly throw Mr. Fuzzy out!”),  moving cities, changing jobs, or ending a relationship, we hate the idea of dissolution.

“Death is hard, even for the wise.” – The Yoga Sutra

When I moved from New York City to Vancouver, I was completely disoriented. All the pillars that I had used to identify myself (“I’m an actor,” “I’m a New Yorker,” “I’m an American,”) were gone. Those anchors had made me feel safe, grounded, and relevant, dammit. Rather than realizing that I was still “me” (no matter where I was or what I was doing), I kept scrambling to try to fix my problem and find something else to hold onto.

The external stuff that we cling to (whether it’s a physical object or a mental idea about who we are) feels very comforting, but it also keeps us stuck in an idea about who we are “supposed” to be.

  • “I’m a doctor.”
  • “I’m a mom.”
  • “I’m a yoga teacher.”

Even worse, you may get stuck in someone else’s idea of who you are supposed be. Uh-oh. And – newsflash – the nature of the world is to change. Trying to keep the external world from changing is a recipe for suffering.

Ignorance is mistaking the impermanent for the permanent. – The Yoga Sutra

Ironically – scrambling to “stay safe” will also keep you from realizing that you are already okay.

It’s like rock climbing. Imagine for a moment that you’re halfway up the rock face and fighting hard to hold onto your climbing rope. You’re terrified of falling and you’re starting to slip. And yet when you are forced to let go, you discover that you were strapped in a safety harness the whole time. Ta-da! But until you dared release your grip, you couldn’t see that everything was fine.

When we let go of our external labels, we discover that we are already whole, safe, and free.

Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found. – Pema Chodron

Here’s the invitation: Swedish death clean your life.

Do a literal Swedish death clean, and get rid of that box of comics from the 80’s or collection of teaspoons from childhood. Or you could death clean your  habits or relationships. Challenge your comfortable routines.

Shake up your firm and steady ground. Enjoy the free fall. And let your true nature arise.

How To Deal With Yoga Injury: Why You Should Go Back To The Beginning

A few months ago, I was diagnosed with vocal nodes. Nodes are callouses that grow on your vocal cords from imperfect use, just like you get callouses on your feet from walking funny. Nodes cause the speaking voice to become raspy and rather sexy, and you can often hear this “vocal fry” in fitness instructors who routinely shout above loud music.

I sing opera (and I’d really like to continue to sing opera without sounding like Tom Waits), so I’m serious about getting to the root of the problem.

I believe that many chronic injuries, ailments, and “old-age” concerns are simply the result of having a lot of time on the planet. Over five years, a bad habit may not a problem. Over forty years, there start to be consequences.

Symptoms like bum knees, unhappy guts, and vocal nodes have underlying causes. And if we can figure out what those underlying causes are, then we may have a shot at fixing what ails us. Not with a pill (although those may provide temporary help), but by painstakingly going back to the beginning, getting curious about what’s happening, and changing our habits. In other words, doing those daily exercises that your physio gave you may really work if you actually did them everyday for, oh, six months.

To address my vocal nodes, I have gone back to the very basics of my voice training. How am I standing? Where’s my weight? How am I breathing? Why is my neck so tight? How can I let go of habitual tension in my body in order to free my voice? Changing habitual tension is very hard for most of us, because habitual tension feels like our personality. What, you’re going to change who I am? Screw you, says the nervous system. But yes. And daring to slow down and change how you move, speak, and react after thirty plus years of life on planet earth may be one of the bravest things you can attempt.

In our yoga practice, we see a similar process. Enthusiastic beginning, powerful development, then at some point, something hurts. (For me, it was my hamstrings. Then my knee.) Rather than toss yoga out the window (this practice sucks!), we can assume a similarly curious and patient approach to our healing. Maybe we stop trying to do wheel dropbacks for awhile and instead work on a lunge. Instead of handstand, we become curious about our cat/cow. Our stumbling blocks become opportunities to reconnect to a beginner’s mind.

Even if there are no problems with your practice, it is a good idea to revisit the basics. Be curious about the habits that you are setting up in the most fundamental of poses. Where is your weight? How is your breath? The smallest conscious  shift could spiral your practice in a whole new direction.

These days, it’s very boring to listen to me “sing.” The noises I make – light humming, maybe some vvvvvvv’s or fffffff’s  – sound nothing like Mozart’s Marten Aller Arten (below). And yet there is something nourishing about taking time to reconnect with the basics of the practice. By moving slowly, I am prioritizing self-care over the glory (and ego) of performance. And in the process, I am learning to witness and unweave (slowly, slowly) decades of habits.

For those of you who like opera, here’s a sample of my work.

 

How eating became a spiritual practice

I pray before meals.

I was raised a dutiful Protestant in the great, puritanical state of New Hampshire. I went to church, participated in singing and bell choirs, and crushed on the boys in my youth group (ah, Derek!). However, my family was more spiritually oriented than strictly Christian. My dad used to joke, “I’d make a good Jew.” What he meant was that it was important to have a spiritual compass, but the specific instrument didn’t really matter.  All good compasses point true north.

In my family, we said grace before meals. Sometimes my dad would say, “Lord, bless this food to the nourishment of our bodies and thus to thy service. Amen.” Sometimes it was simply, “Thanks to the critters.”

Although I was raised in the church, it wasn’t until about six years ago that I started saying grace myself in earnest. Not because I identify as Christian, but because I stopped being vegan.

When I was vegan, there was no moral price to pay for eating my food. I had become vegan because of my aversion to animal cruelty, and I felt just fine eating plants and grains. But when I left the vegan fold, I became acutely aware of the cost of my meals. Animals – cute, sentient animals – had died. Before being vegan, I had lived my dietary life in slipshod form of denial. (You know the kind: where you decide that cheeseburgers grow on trees and ignore factory farming.) But now I could not ignore the weight of my decisions. Yes, yes, I would buy the expensive organic meat raised in relatively “humane” conditions. Yes, yes, I would eat meat sparingly. But there was no denying it: death was on my plate.

In my heart, I felt that I owed it to each creature to contemplate their fate. In every meal, I was participating – viscerally – in the life and death cycle. I was responsible for choosing this meal. And through this meal, this animal literally would now become a part of me – of my muscles, of my cells, of my material being.

In our culture, we hide death. But here it was unavoidable. Just like this animal had died, I too, would die and be resolved back to my component parts. The world was a seething and complex cycle of birth and death, creation and destruction. Every item on my plate – including plants – became a study of the ephemerality of life.

But while a part of me cried to sense the bittersweet cycle of life and death, I could also feel the poignant beauty of my interdependence with the fabric of the great wide world. Every morsel of food was a reminder of my connection to the world: my carrot could be traced back to the grocery store, then to the staff and workers who transported it, then to the machines (and humans) who harvested it, to the soil of earth, to the light of the sun. There had been so many hands involved in bringing this one little carrot to my plate.

Eating had become a spiritual practice.

The web of interconnection necessary to produce a single plate of food is almost incomprehensible. Saying grace before meals reminds me to re-member my connection to the whole. To be awed by Nature’s generosity and incredible diversity. To appreciate the effort, toil, and sacrifice that has brought this meal into being. To touch the bittersweet longing of my aliveness and mortality.

I may return to veganism, but I will never lose the gratitude and awe that I have now discovered in eating my food. So, to the critters, and the veggies, and the world, I say a heartfelt, “Amen.”

Why It’s Okay If You’re Not Over Your Ex

“Get over it.”

“Let go.”

“Move on.”

Sound familiar?

I love hard. When I fall in love with someone, I give them an apartment in my soul and can’t evict them. Even the most challenging of tenants keeps a toe hold. Cliche phrases like “let go” imply that kicking someone out of your heart is as easy as letting go of a balloon. For years, I have thought the feelings of longing and loss that I still feel for my ex’s must mean that there is something wrong with me. However, I’m learning that loving hard (and losing hard) can be a radical opportunity for spiritual growth.

If you are a love-hard kinda person, tune in. Here are three reasons why it’s okay to not really let them go.

1. You liked them for a reason

Not every ex will be an asshole. Relationships that devolve into ugly fights are often easier to let go of, but you may have chosen someone decent, kind and rational. Why shouldn’t you think about them fondly and miss them? Good for you for choosing someone worth missing. It’s sometimes easier to avoid the pain by demonizing your ex or distracting yourself with sensual pleasures (wine! popcorn! drugs!). Can you instead hold space to recognize them as a whole human being (beautiful and also flawed)?

2. Missing them doesn’t mean you should go back

Longing for your ex does not mean that you made a mistake in breaking up. It’s natural to feel longing for someone that you’ve loved. In fact, your ability to hold space for the intensity of your feelings is part of your spiritual journey. The hurt does not need to be fixed.  However, softening into the feeling of loss – and not fixing it – is a powerful doorway to opening your own heart in a very tender and beautiful space. Experiencing loss is a powerful spiritual practice that reminds us of the inherent ephemerality of life. Be courageous. Be willing to miss them, and not fix it.

3. Don’t let go. Let be.

One of my wise friends says, “Don’t let go. Let be.” Letting go implies that we can somehow erase someone from our life. Rather than trying to fix the feelings, simply stay with your experience as it arises. Let it be. One of the most challenging and powerful yoga precepts is santosha, or acceptance. The practice of accepting things as they are allows to (again and again) return to the present moment as it it: messy, incomplete, heartbreaking, and human.

“As human beings, not only do we seek resolution, but we also feel that we deserve resolution. However, not only do we not deserve resolution, we suffer from resolution. We don’t deserve resolution; we deserve something better than that. We deserve our birthright, which is the middle way, an open state of mind that can relax with paradox and ambiguity.” – Pema Chodron

For more on life and love, check out the 3-minute video epiphanies, or A Yogi’s Guide To Dating.

Slow Down With A Candlelight Meditation

In our hectic world, it’s become increasingly important to find tools that help us slow down, unwind, and recuperate from daily stress. Chronic stress lowers our immune response and heightens the risk of health issues, such as cardiovascular disease, cognitive decline,  and gastrointestinal disease. Over the past few decades, a great body of research has been created that supports the role that meditation can play in lowering stress and improving overall health. Meditation can help the body to reset and unwind from daily work stress and also help prepare the body for a good night’s rest.

If the mind is very active or distracted, it is helpful to have a focal point for concentration. In contrast to a mindfulness meditation (where the mind is tasked to simply empty and return to stillness), object-oriented meditation can often be more accessible because the mind is given a object upon which to focus. Using visualizations and mantras (repeated word) are common tools to help focus the mind in the present moment.  

Another option for an object oriented meditation is to do a candlelight meditation. During the day, our eyes are frequently very busy and active; by using a candle to focus the gaze, we use our powerful sense of sight to help calm and steady the mind. Unlike a static object, the flame of a candle is constantly dancing and moving, which keep the attention of the mind focused up on its changing shape. And after a day of artificial light and screen time, returning to the natural beauty of fire can be a soothing antidote to modern life.

Here’s how:

  • Choose your candle. Choose a candle that is beautiful to you. Ideally, select a scent that resonates with the mood and feeling that you’d like to create. For example, you could choose a soothing vanilla or lavender scent to create a sense of calm, or a citrus scent for a more invigorating pick me up. I love the selection from Chesapeake Bay Candle; their Mind & Body line has beautiful essential oil fragrances to match any occasion. For example, the Confidence + Freedom (oak moss amber) and Joy + Laughter scents are more elevating, bright and zippy. They would be perfect to use with an energizing practice, or when you need a pick me up. The Peace + Tranquility (cashmere jasmine) is soothing and creamy, while the Reflection+ Clarity (sea salt sage) feels calming and purifying. I love the Balance + Harmony (water lily pear). One of their more subtle scents, Balance + Harmony has a soft and calming feel that pairs well with a calming meditation.
  • Find a comfortable and tall seat. You can sit on a cushion on the floor, or you can sit on the edge of a chair. Any seat that allows you to remain comfortable for several minutes with a tall spine is perfect!
  • Light your candle.
  • Take a few deep breaths and settle into your seat.
  • Bring your gaze to your candle. Let your focus be soft and open.
  • Keep your gaze on the shifting movement of the flame, and continue to breathe.
  • Allow yourself to become immersed in the changing shape of the candle flame.
  • After about five minutes, close your eyes and take five deep breaths to complete your meditation.

Enjoy!

 

 

This post is sponsored by Chesapeake Bay Candles; I only work with companies that I like and all opinions are my own.

Filling Up Your Energy: Four Tips to Slow Down

We have a cultural habit of high productivity and effort, and many well intended people end up burnt out or grappling with restlessness. Over time, even the most “advanced” or seasoned yoga practitioners must re-learn the importance of staying present. If you often feel like you’re walking one pace faster than you physically can, perhaps it’s time to consider the amount of enjoyment you have in what you’re doing. While progress may feel stilted when we slow down, ultimately our lives become more enjoyable when we can detach ourselves from achievement, and tune into our experiences instead.

When you first approach any endeavour, start by setting your attention on a thought that encourages an attitude of open interest. When we draw on our inner resources of breath, presence, and current awareness, we are much less likely to become entangled ahead of ourselves. Whether we know our own “saboteur” well or not, there is always an ebb and flow in progress. The more present we stay, the less likely we are to find ourselves stuck in a familiar dilemma or discouraging set back.

Try these simple practices in the morning, before an important interaction, or any time during the day you feel yourself picking up momentum towards becoming scattered or anxious.

Notice your physical space.

Most meditation techniques guide you to begin by following your breath, but I find this challenging in particularly bustling environments. When my attention feels fragmented, it helps to focus on just a few objects in my immediate vicinity.

Pay attention to the specific colours and objects around you that draw your interest.

If the first few observations you make feel distressing, look instead for a striking object that peaks your interest. Keep it simple at first: a design, a child’s expression or a colour palette that relaxes you.

Tune into your body.

Get to know what helps you personally stay present, and brings your focus from scattered to centered. Some people wiggle their toes to connect to their feet, while others begin a deep belly breath. Personally, a few shoulder rolls or simple movements help me release any tension or emotions I may be feeling.

Remember your original motive.

Use your cognitive thinking skills to do a quick check in. Is it time to take a break from my efforts, change environments or connect with an outside source to help me get back in my groove? As much as we like to build our ability to “tune in”, none of us need to tackle life alone. Increasing your connection to the support around you can renew your enthusiasm and offer a fresh perspective. We all need those moments with a friend, pet, or nature to appreciate and balance the momentum of our lives.

Ultimately, we are creating our lives and how we want to feel in them, day by day. We become more energized by consciously creating more enjoyment as we navigate changes and meeting the needs of the day. Whatever your next endeavour, make sure you don’t speed towards completion, but pause along the way. Letting the energy flow towards where you are headed by staying present will feel more rewarding than urgently rushing through our days.

How To Cope With Anxiety

Some mornings are okay.

If I can get out of bed quickly enough and start moving, I can often jump start my day through assertive action and coffee. I almost always wake up with some anxiety, but I can usually douse it by getting productive.

Other mornings are not okay.

I wake up from my anxious dreams and my mind races through everything that could possibly be wrong. My relationship, my tiny apartment, my work as a consultant, my failed marriage, my lack of children, my feelings of isolation. Real estate in Vancouver is a favorite and frequent stressor.

Rather than feeling connected, alive, and grateful, I implode like a dwarf star: dense and tight.

Here are five ways I cope.

1. Move

Get the energy OUT. Put on loud music, move your body, make sound, and shake. There is a lot of energy in anxiety: get it out through chaotic movement. You don’t need to be controlled. Shout in a pillow, cry, or just stand and jiggle your bones.

Depression is harder. When you are depressed, the last thing you want to do is move. Move anyway. Jump in place fifty times. Then see.

I prefer the freedom of not being in public so that I can move wildly, make horrific expressions, emit weird noises, and not alarm the general populace. It’s not pretty. However, if you can’t get yourself to move on your own, then go to a class. Not yin. Go to one that gets your heartbeat up and makes you sweat.

2. Speak

Scrawl into a journal (it doesn’t have to be legible), scream it into a pillow, or channel your voices into a flowing deluge of tongues. However you do it, expressing your truth will move your energy as well. By speaking your truth (no matter how crazy-cray, ugly, or irrational), you get the voices out of your head and into the world where you can have some distance from them. When you hear these stories outside of yourself, they begin to shift and lose their potency. It’s a little like exorcising demons, friends.

Actually, it’s a lot like that.

3. Connect

Call a friend, go to coffee. Confess yourself. Get vulnerable. Share. Accept a hug. Give a hug. Expose yourself and your truth to someone safe and trusted. They don’t need to fix you or give advice: the act of being heard and seen is profoundly healing.

4. Do good

Sometimes the fastest way to feel better is to be of service. Go do something good. Listen to someone’s problems, give blood, clean your mom’s windows. You will remind yourself that what you do matters and you make a difference by being here. Sometimes we forget.

5. Clean Up

It can also be helpful – if you are a control freak like me – to do housework. Physical work like scrubbing the floors and walls is therapeutic. But you can also “clean up” by finishing those old chores that you have back burnered for a few weeks (or months, or years). Getting those tasks off your plate reminds you that you can take some control in your life, and that can feel really good. If you are feeling mentally overwhelmed, start with physical housework to get in your body and go from there.

6. Get in nature

If possible, get in nature. Reconnect with the earth, the trees, the sky. The sky reminds us that we are part of something greater. The mountains remind us that our problems will pass. The trees mind us how to breathe. Mama earth can hold a lot in her generous arms; give her your time and she will hug you back.

Finally, remember that you are not alone. Every human understands heartbreak; we’ve all felt the overwhelm. Some of us may feel it more, but we can move through these feelings if we keep taking one breath at a time. Our spiritual daily work: when our hearts break, let them crack wide open. Let the sun and wind in.

“There is a crack, a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” – Leonard Cohen

Why You Get Mad: A Tip To Understanding Your Anger

We don’t get mad because of what people do. We get mad because of what we make it mean.

Let’s say you and your bestie have planned a coffee date, but she’s twenty minutes late. You’re working through your second latte and  – not only are you now highly caffeinated – you’re fuming as well.

Chances are that you are not mad at your friend because she’s twenty minutes late to your coffee date. If she rushed in and apologized (accident! kid drama! sick parent!), you would likely forgive her. But if she doesn’t seem to have a good enough reason, you’ll be irritated. After all, doesn’t she realize that your time is important?

In this kind of scenario, you’ve made her lateness mean something.

In other words, it’s not the dishes in the sink that bug us. It’s what we make those dishes mean. (“Do I have to do everything?”)

Here’s the thing: you may be right.

Maybe you’re friend doesn’t care about your time, or your lover thinks of you as a glorified dish cleaner. But most of the time, people don’t act deliberately to be obnoxious. Most of the time, in the bubble of their head, they have a perfectly good reason for doing that irritating thing that actually has nothing to do with you. They could even be well intended. (“I was late because I wanted to bike and save the world from pollution!”)

An ex-boyfriend of mine used to pile his dishes next to the sink before we cleaned them. Liking clean counters, I would put all the dishes in the sink. We both kept getting irritated until we figured out that he liked the sink remain clear of clutter in order to use it, while I liked the tidiness of putting everything in the sink (I know, I know, just do the damn dishes already!). Now while that little moment may seem like a minor thing, relationships are built upon the daily details.

Here’s your task.

When you next get angry, take a step back and separate out the true action from the meaning. 1. What objectively happened, and 2. what is the layer of meaning that you’re putting onto it? Then have a conversation to find out what that person was really up to. Where were they coming from? Through this inquiry, you will discover something interesting about that person’s values and how their minds work.

While understanding their mindset doesn’t mean that you necessarily need to condone behaviour (“I appreciate your saving the world by riding your bike, but I still don’t want to be kept waiting for twenty minutes”), it may help to defang the personalization of the act. It will certainly make for a more interesting and informative conversation than getting into a row about who’s right and who’s wrong. And bonus: you’ll learn a little something about your own expectations as well.

 

If you like these musings, check out The Yogi’s Guide To Dating. Chock full of relationship musings!

Stop Procrastinating And Make Your Dreams 80% Come True

We all procrastinate for different reasons. And usually they’re really GOOD reasons. (Gotta take care of the kids, gotta get to the doctors, need to clean the house, or I need ME time, dammit!)

Have you ever taken an online course? Students finish three weeks of the course and then disappear. Course progress remains half done. Attrition in the big massive online courses (MOOC) is about 95%. (95%!) The passion that drove us to sign up in the first place begins to wan in the mundane work that it actually takes to cross the finish line. We start thinking, “it’s not really that important, is it?”

Here are three tips to getting past procrastination so that you can do the stuff you say you want to do. For real.

1. Kill your children

Not literally.

But we all have those things in our lives that we love to do (your yoga class, your morning walk, your tea date with your friend). Here’s the thing: your life is already full of stuff that you do (and like to do). And you’re going to have to sacrifice something nice in order to get your new goal accomplished. It will not just “fit in.” And thinking that we’re going to get it all done at 10 PM after the kids are in bed is not realistic. We lose discipline during the day, and by 10 PM at night, you’re likely going to want to nothing more than to drink a glass of wine and watch Rupaul’s Drag Race.

So you’re going to have to kill your children.

Last year, I published “Head Over Heels: A Yogi’s Guide To Dating,” and I also finished my Masters in Instructional Systems and Learning Technologies. What I gave up? My two hour morning ashtanga practice. I simply didn’t have the time to do it all and work a full time job.

Accept that you need to kill your children. You can always resurrect them on the other side.

2. Stop striving for perfection

Here’s another reason that I procrastinate: I want it to be perfect.

I think I have to have to have it all figured out before I start creating. I just don’t want to screw it up, or have to redo work. When I created my online course, I agonized over the course structure. I was afraid to start because I didn’t want to do it wrong.

Accept right now that you’re only going to get it 80% right. It will not be perfect. And there are things that you will learn that you can only learn through the creative process, by jumping in and getting your hands dirty. I already know a million things that I want to tweak in my online course. But now at least I’m 75% there. And 75% is a heck of a lot better than 0%.

Shoot for a solid 80%. As one of my mentors said, “Done is better than perfect.”

3. Work when you’re uninspired

We often wait to feel inspired to do the work. This is backwards. Sitting down to DO the work will lead to inspiration. If you wait to “feel like it,” you will consistently fail to do anything. It’s by actually sitting in front of the blank page, logging into your online course, or starting your market research that you being to feel inspired to be there. Do the work and get inspired. Not the other way around. There will probably be a good five minutes of grouchiness when you sit down to dig in. It will pass. And if it doesn’t, then you’re still five minutes closer to your goal than you were before. And that should give you a tiny warm fuzzy.

Finally, give yourself some appreciation. It’s freakin’ hard to change your life. We think it will be magical unicorns and flowing bliss, but in reality it’s elbow grease, stop-starts, and grouchiness. So when you put in the time on your project, take a moment and give yourself a huge pat on the back in appreciation. Even five minutes makes you a warrior.

Check out this procrastination e-book from my fabulous friend and coach Christine Young for more inspiration.

Here’s the thing.

Making your dreams come true  – even if you get to 95% – will probably never match your image of what you thought it was going to be. You may always have that restless feeling of dissatisfaction and longing. There may always be “the next thing.” But the process of digging in is enormously rewarding in and of itself. Every creative act is an affirmation of your self-creation. And that’s a great reason to start now.

Safety Is At The Edge: Why Vulnerability Is Safer Then Hiding

We often think that safety is in the absolute center. I’ll stay away from the edges, I’ll blandify my personality, I won’t rock the boat. In Canada, we’ve elevated politeness to near lethal levels, hiding opinions or feedback that may offend.

I love the sensitivities of my compassionate Canadian brethren, but politely quieting ourselves on occasion can lead to a habit of peremptorily quieting ourselves without even realizing it. Of course, not just Canadians are engaging in the art of self-restraint; most of us train ourselves into a voluntary domesticity. While I’m a fan of civility, sometimes these unspoken social contracts can bleed into other areas of our lives where self-expression is essential for health, understanding, and happiness.

In our intimate relationships, most of us are told to compromise, compromise, compromise. While empathy is important, we go too far when we let our compassionate natures cover up truths that – while they may not be pleasant – certainly would let some fresh air and honesty into our dynamics. Bluntly put, it’s a problem when we lie to spare someone’s feelings.

In our relationship with ourself, we undermine our nature when we talk ourselves out of the risks that are whispering in our souls.

We think that safety lies in pulling in our edges. This is a misunderstanding: true safety arises when when we have nothing left to lose. Pulling into the center and turtling is usually a sign that we are protecting our egos from failure. We forget that our ego is a construct for working in the world; it is not our core nature. When we take failure personally, we are reinforcing the idea that our ego is real and should be protected. With every “safe” act, we put more swaddling clothes around our fragile ego, protecting it from harm. The problem is that swaddling clothes start to limit that way that we can act and feel.

But there is an antidote. When we practice embracing failure, and when we embracing radical honesty, we affirm our intrinsic safety and goodness. By standing on the edge, arms wide, completely vulnerable, we realize (experientially, not in our heads) that we are already whole, safe, and free. However, we cannot think our way into this understanding; it is a visceral understanding that comes from the act of standing with our hearts open and exposed.

You have a choice today: trust the story of the ego, or trust the wholeness of the heart.

Take one step closer to the edge. How does it feel?

For more juicy wisdom, check out Head Over Heels: A Yogi’s Guide to Dating.

Don’t Let Procrastination Get In The Way Of Growing Your Dream Business

Erin’s dream is to grow her yoga business, put together a series of workshops and create her first retreat.  She is a talented and inspirational teacher with adoring clients who often ask about her next event. In fact, several months ago, Erin announced to clients that a date for the retreat would come soon.

I had the pleasure of taking Erin’s class last week, and we grabbed a coffee after class to catch up. I asked her when the retreat was happening.  Uncomfortably she said,

“Oh, I know, I’ve been meaning to set a date, but haven’t gotten to it yet. I’ve been so busy lately.”

If I weren’t a life coach who knew Erin well, I would have sympathized with her “too busy” story and moved on, but I can recognize an excuse a mile away.  So I continued the conversation,

“I know how much you want to grow your business and creating this retreat is a big dream. What is keeping you too busy to get this going?  Can I help you talk it through?“

Quietly Erin said:

“I keep promising myself to set a date, weeks fly by, and I make no progress.  Every time I start to look at locations, I get overwhelmed, confused and stuck. What’s wrong with me?”

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with Erin, she’s just being human and stuck in the trap of procrastination.  We chatted a bit and got to the bottom of what was blocking her. Erin got teary and explained the painful internal conversation running through her mind daily:

  • “What if no one signs up?
  • Why would someone pay that much money for a retreat with me?
  • I may be kidding myself not be able to put together a great experience for clients.  
  • Maybe I’m just not ready to do something on that level?”

Ouch. No wonder Erin was stuck. Her procrastination was just the voice of fear and self-doubt yelling louder than the sound of her dream!

The trouble is, the negative voices stemming from fear will not just go away on their own. Erin will not wake up fearless one day so what IS the solution to procrastination?

Since this is one of the most frequently asked questions I hear as a coach, I decided to put together a free e-book:

Typically when we feel fear, the mind interprets it as a sign to stop because we’re going in the wrong direction. Ironically, the reverse is true! What we are most afraid of is typically the very thing we need to do to move forward and achieve our goals.

Taking action may feel scary, but the trick is not to let fear stop you. You have to get comfortable being uncomfortable and not always knowing the answer. Every time you push through fear, you get stronger and more confident. Growth requires getting out of your comfort zone. I promise you nothing extraordinary was ever accomplished in your comfort zone. Also, know there is a direct correlation between the level of your achievement and the ability to deal with being out of your comfort zone.  

I hope you find this guide helpful.  Please reach out to me with any questions or comments at christine@christineyoungcoaching.com  

I would love to hear from you!

PS: Each week I offer a limited number of 20-minute complimentary consultations.  I would be happy to help talk you through what’s underneath your procrastination.  Just click here to go directly to my calendar and schedule your free 20-minute session.