Doing it alone: sperm donor counselling

“He’s a donor. Not a Dad.” Sarah was emphatic. “It’s genetic material. Now, if you get married, and there’s adoption, then your partner may become your child’s father. That would be his or her dad. But a donor is a donor. You want to use clear language with your child.”

I’m nodding.

“And when you’re looking for a donor, you want to look for someone who fits in with your own family.”

“Like height…my Dad’s tall….”

“Race.”

“Ah.”

I’m in my second counselling session with Sarah, the therapist I’ve been assigned to visit to discuss the implications for attempting to be a single mom through a sperm donation procedure. Really you only have to go once, but my first visit to her had been consumed with so much angst about my situation that we hadn’t even gotten to the implications of getting pregnant.

But now I was back.

I had been considering having a mixed race baby, but Sarah’s advice seems to be that I should keep it simple. And by simple, I mean white. My parents live in Texas (a great state, to be sure), but maybe a baby who looked like everyone else would have an easier time. It’s something to think about.

“There are books that you can use that help explain your choice. To your child.”

I’m nodding.

“They will likely come home with questions. And you can say, ‘I wanted you so much that I chose to have you!’ What a wonderful story! Are you doing an open donor?”

An open donor leaves open a possibility that the child can contact him after the kid reaches 18. “I’d like to,” I say.

“Great,” she say, “But if you find the perfect donor and he’s not an open donor, then that’s great too. Don’t let that stop you if you find the one you like.”

The session flies by. It feel surreal to talk about how I’m going to speak to my kid in six years. That is, if I even manage to get pregnant.

“Donor, not Dad. Got it.”

Sarah beams at me, “You’re going to be a great mom.”

Next step: finding the donor.

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While I love my site as a place for heart blogs, depthy resources and videos archives, I want to meet with you in the day to day. So I’m moving the everyday party on over to Instagram!

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The Spiritual Path of Depression and Anxiety: Looking at Suicide

Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain.

According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, suicides rates have increased by more than 25% over the last two decades.

Like many of us, I believe the whispers of Mr. Success Demon, who promises, “if you just get this impossible thing, you will be happy.” So when someone famous and accomplished kills themselves, I am shocked. Hadn’t they gotten the stuff that we all crave, like fame, money, and acclaim? Didn’t these people have everything?

Celebrity suicides remind us of the dark truth: success does not make you happy.

I know that’s not a newsflash, but some part of me still wants to believe the myth. Our minds (sweet little comparison machines that they are) orient our self-esteem based on how we stack up against everyone else. And with social media, we now get to compare ourselves with Dwayne Johnson, Will Smith and Pink. With all those superstars on display, who can blame the average Jane for feeling like she’s not measuring up?

But when the people who “have it all” are desperately unhappy, it’s a wake up call that there is a terrible flaw in how we work.

Happiness Ain’t Inside Either

Most of us understand that the external world isn’t ultimately fulfilling.

But here’s the newsflash: your internal world isn’t going to make you happy either. I’m sorry folks, but if you go inside your own head and all you find are crocodiles, you’re certainly not going to want to stay there. It’s not just going inside, it’s how you go inside that counts.

The Truth

In my darkest moments, the thoughts in my head have been so utterly cruel and outrageous that another part of my mind perked up. “Wow, sister,” the voice said, “THIS is how you’re thinking about yourself right now? Holy crap.”

And when that voice spoke, a space opened. A space where maybe my mind was lying to me.

I’m betting that Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain didn’t have that little voice. I’m guessing that at their worst moments, all they heard was the noise.

The Key: You must stop believing everything you think.

When the bad thoughts come, watch your mind. See the glitch in the matrix. Yoga says: you are not your thoughts; make friends with your mind, recognize its limitations, and notice – with compassion – its confusion.

And I’m going to suggest something else.

Tell those voices to fuck off.

You cannot negotiate with terrorists. You cannot bargain, compromise, wheedle or justify yourselves to them. If bargaining were an option, our successful cultural icons would have had plenty of ammunition to talk those voices down.

Our only option when the dark voices come is to create presence and space. Listen to the voices with a different part of yourself, until they start to reveal themselves as the petulant, whiny cunts that they are.

And get outside.

If the noise in your head is relentless, leave. Not by offing yourself, but by embracing all that is materialistic. Put your attention back into that glorious, seething world full of stuff and people. Talk to trees, run on a beach, feel your body, see a movie, hug your dear ones.

I’ll meet you in the sunshine.

Five Steps to Expand & Create Your Life

The Universe is constantly expanding; are you?

Growing up, like many, I was taught to believe that I was spoiled, greedy, or unrealistic for wanting more than I had or what was considered to be “reasonable” by my social and financial environment.

Here’s the limiting challenge with that: as we become established, this learned belief begins to feel contracting.

When we are young, there is so much to experience and we are constantly growing. However, once we complete school, obtain our first or second “adult” job, and maybe settle with our partner and purchase a home, all of a sudden we realize: “This is it.” Our culture has built us up to achieving this initial level of “adulting”, but then what? Are we supposed to be happy living the status quo until retirement?

I don’t think so!

You may be thinking, “But my life is good. I don’t need more.”

Those are learned thoughts, my friend. Because you desire more, you can receive and experience more! We get to expand with our desires.

We get to continually grow throughout our adult lives.

While it’s important to continue to expand, sometimes the contrast of what we desire versus what we are currently experiencing can throw us into a funk. Below is a process for learning what it is you desire and move out of your current “fine” life and towards consciously creating the life you truly desire and are excited about every day!

Allow yourself to dive into this exercise, by first releasing what you believe to be possible!

1. Practice Gratitude

Start with gratitude! Write down at least one page of what you DO have/get to experience. These can be seemingly small, or they may seem large and extravagant!

2. Acknowledge

Acknowledge what you desire to have/experience. Allow your imagination to fly free and create a list of everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, you desire – experiences, feelings, things, whatever!

3. Examine

Look at what is holding you back from receiving/experiencing. What are the beliefs you’ve accepted as true that make you think you can’t realize your desires? 

4. Remove your limits

Go through and remove those limits.  Options:

  • Create a mantra/new belief
  • Prove it wrong by thinking: has anyone ever proven this belief wrong?
  • Give yourself permission to believe a new belief

5. Decide

Decide what you desire; decide that you get to receive it; decide it gets to be easy for you

Take all this knowledge and take the guided journey on this audio to truly tap into what your ideal day looks and feels like.

And this is just the start!

As you expand, so will your imagination of what is possible. Your natural tendency is to expand, just as the Universe is expanding! You have the power to consciously create your life. Your desires are yours because you have the ability to experience them in your physical reality!

What is your next first step towards consciously creating your life?

“Expand Your Reality” Visualization

I’ve Known Yogis Who Are Assholes

I’ve worked in the yoga “business” for about fifteen years. In addition to being a teacher, I’ve managed teachers, administrated studios, and run teacher trainings. So I’ve seen a lot of personalities.

And some yogis are assholes.

Sweet as pie at the front of the classroom, dark as an eastern storm behind the scenes. And not just young yogis, but veteran yogis who you’d think would have reached enlightenment if their scorpion pose were any indication. To the point where I’d look at them and think, “hey, isn’t this stuff working on you?”

Here’s the deal.

Yogis are human. Now some of you are going, yes, duh, we knew that, but I think that there is still a bit of mystical reverence for yoga, as if the practice can’t help but make you more spiritually awakened. Surely these yogis who have been refining their practice for twenty years must know something a bit more than Joe, who just showed up in the class wearing socks. And yoga is better spiritually than jogging or doing Crossfit, right?

No, people, no.

It’s not just doing yoga that is important. It’s how you do it that counts.

Yoga is different from jogging and Crossfit in that self-reflection is built into the practice (that said, I think it’s perfectly valid to “jog as a yogi” and practice mindfulness in any manner of other disciplines). But as I have learned on the farm, you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink. Just because self-reflection is built into the yoga practice doesn’t mean that everyone who does yoga – including these teachers – is self-reflective.

Are you doing yoga so that you can arrive in the moment, soften your heart, quiet your mind, and feel your feelings? Awesome. Afterwards, you will probably feel squishy inside and you might stop to help the little old lady cross the street. Are you doing yoga so that you can instagram your handstand? Well, you might be in so much of a hurry to put that puppy online that don’t see the old lady in the first place.

Let’s talk about fancy poses. Fancy poses are awesome. You try them, they kick your ass, and your consistent efforts eventually lead you to an achievement. You feel good and proud and you are a living demonstration of human potential. Awesome, I love you, I want to give you kisses and high fives. Yes, my darling, Instagram that shit and share your light.

But where I see the fruits of your practice is really with that little ol’ lady.

How are you in the world after you practice? How do you feel in yourself after you practice?

This is an internal reality check, my dear, that only you can do. To truly know if your practice is working, look to how you act in the world. As one of my dear (non-Instagram famous) yoga teachers said, “What’s the point of yoga if it doesn’t make you a kinder person?”

What A Feral Cat Can Teach Us About Love

His name is Chad. He’s a lanky black cat with bright green eyes and he came into my parents’ lives about three years ago. My parents have a farm in Boerne, Texas, and after my mom got her chickens, well, it seemed natural enough that a farm cat should complete the scene.

It was a long process.

Rather than getting a domesticated cat, my parents chose to adopt two feral cats, Chad and Copernicus. When the ferals arrived at the farm, they had to acclimatize to the place and get used to making it their home. So they stayed inside a cage inside the barn for a week. Then they were allowed out of the cage for a week. Then they were allowed out of the barn. My dad sighed, “We’ll see, maybe they’ll stick around.” Copernicus ran off (making his home at a neighbouring farm, we later found out).

Chad stayed.

At first he wouldn’t let anyone near him; he ran off and observed my parents from a distance. For about six months, the only way they knew he was around was that his food would disappear. But my Dad fed him every morning and night and the food kept disappearing.

“Sometimes, when I would go to the barn he would be under the tractor or someplace, but every time I would approach he would take off. Then I started walking as close as I could without him leaving and put down little treats on the ground and walk away back to whatever I was doing. “

Dad made Chad a special cat entrance to the garage and a special cat house to live in. And over time, Chad started coming a little closer.

After two years of consistent, dedicated, unconditional care taking, Chad felt safe enough to walk up to my Dad in the back yard and let him touch him.  He let himself be pet. And he started to purr.

Nowadays, my Dad can’t go anywhere without Chad coming over and rubbing up against him, or head butting him for a scratch. (“That darned cat won’t leave me alone!” Dad says exasperatedly, but secretly happy.) Chad’s become a big ol’ cat softie. At first, Chad got so excited about being pet that he would nip everyone’s hands a little (who doesn’t get a little scrappy when they’re testing a relationship out?), but now he’s relaxed enough to accept affection without much cat drama.

Here’s what I’ve learned from Chad:

  • Deep down, everyone wants love.

  • It’s only when we’ve been hurt and alone for awhile that we’re scared of connection.

  • Trust takes time and consistency. Sometimes two years of being there every day.

  • Being fed is nice. But being pet is important, too.

  • When love feels new to us, we may get scared and scratchy, but underneath the biting, we really want it.

I’ve been watching over the farm and making friends with Chad. He’s still a bit wary of me, but last night he came on over and head butted me for awhile so that I got to pet him.

As I scratched his ears, I whispered down to him, “Chad, look at you! You found your family now.”

Chad the cat.

 

 

 

 

Why Love Is Like a Workout

In the man-made world of stuff, breaking something doesn’t make it stronger. It just, well, breaks. You drop a plate, it shatters, and no matter how well you glue it, you can see the crack. It’s damaged goods.

We think love is the same way.

Betrayal, hurt, infidelity, conflict…. these are the bulls in our emotional china shops. We think that love is a fragile china plate that must be handled delicately and remain unbroken for its value to be preserved. In our relationships, we shy away from imperfection, conflict, and rough housing. We clam up rather than rock the boat. And when we can’t keep the bulls out of the shop, we get heart “broken,” as if our sense of connection and love can be shattered irreparably.

I want to propose a different model for love.

Love is not of the world of things. Love is not a plate. Love is organic, human, messy, and alive.

The organic world has a very different relationship to stress. Stress makes things stronger. In fact, failing to stress a system will cause it to atrophy and become enfeebled. In the organic world, destruction is necessary for strength and endurance.

Consider:

  • the burning forest creates new growth
  • breaking down our muscles is essential to building strength
  • taxing our immune system gives it strength and resilience
  • the destruction of our cells is what allows regeneration

The eco-system of your love is no different.

Not only is love not compromised by conflict, messiness and emotional stress can give your love the stimulus it needs to deepen, strengthen, and become more resilient. Although chronic stress isn’t healthy, the occasional round of intensity is nourishing and bracing for your love eco-system. When met with integrity, each challenging moment is a mini emotional gym workout: though it may be sweaty and uncomfortable in the short-term, it is essential for health and longevity.

Your love is not a china plate; your love is a prize fighter in his prime.

So go ahead; embrace your workouts.

Like this? Check out my 3-minute video epiphanies on life and love. 

Five things you must consider when choosing your yoga teacher training space

If you have decided to create and host a teacher training, where you host the training is vitally important. Not only will you have to take into account logistical considerations (ie: do they have bathrooms? do they have enough props?), but it’s also important to ensure that the feeling of the space aligns with your greater vision for your course.

Here are five things that you need to keep in mind:

1.The Feel

What does the space feel like? How do you want your training to feel?

Every training has a different flavor, and your training space should align with yours. Think about the adjectives that you’d like students to use when describing your training. For example, is the mood of your training “clear, compassionate, and calm,” or “challenging, engaging, rigorous?”  Does that space align with the mood and tenor of your teacher training program?

On a practical note, consider the cleanliness of the studio. Since you’re going to be practicing yoga, you will likely prefer hardwood or laminate floors that are kept swept. Ask about the studio cleaning schedule. There’s nothing worse than being in a sweaty, hairball infested yoga training room!

2. The Supplies

In a nutshell, does the space have what you need to run your training.

You can think about:

  • how many students will fit in the space comfortably
  • how many props/supplies are available
  • storage space
  • wifi
  • Chairs or sitbacks for sitting
  • projectors, projector screens, whiteboards, poster sheets – or do you bring your own?

3. Location

Location, location, location.  Is the training central to where your students will be coming from?

Also consider:

  • Is there nearby parking (for all-day)?
  • Nearby transit
  • Nearby food, parks, cafes

4. Amenities

We don’t always think about the amenities, but they will become very important if you’re doing a full day training.

  • proximity of bathrooms
  • showers
  • kitchen
  • air conditioning

5. Schedule

Finally, many rental spaces already have obligations. If it’s a working yoga studio, you may have to schedule yourself around their classes or events. Get the details on availability so you’re not caught by surprise.

Sign up below and get the full training checklist!

I’ll Meet You at the Door: Accessible Yoga

At the yoga center where I sometimes teach in New York City, a woman called wanting to register for a four-week introduction to yoga course. She asked to speak to the manager. She wanted to know if it would be okay for her to come to the course because she was blind, and she had a dog. The manager said, “Yes, of course. Why wouldn’t it be okay?” The woman said, “Well, I called many yoga centers and I was told no, that I couldn’t attend.” The manager said, “Just come. I’ll meet you at the door and make sure everything goes smoothly.” The woman completed the course, and all went well. She has continued coming to classes, and she told other blind people about the yoga center and so, those other people came. In fact, the yoga teacher friend who relayed this story to me, also told me that she had recently been teaching a class and at the end, she was shocked to realize that a dog had been in the room the entire time. She hadn’t even noticed.

What does it mean to make yoga accessible? Can it really be as easy as saying yes?

Of course, there are reasons for the “no”: Insurance. What if she gets hurt? What if I don’t know how to teach her? What if something happens with the dog? Maybe the other students will complain?  What if…what if…. The mind can come up with a myriad of reasons not to do something. Maybe the reasons are justified. Maybe they are simply fear. I don’t know. I do know about the feeling when you hear no. No, you can’t come in. No, this is not for you. No, you don’t belong. Somehow, I think most of us know about that feeling in some context. For me, that feeling prompts questions: Who is yoga for? Who belongs in a yoga class? Who can be comfortable attending, and who is excluded? What is the purpose of your own yoga teaching?

In September 2015, I attended the first ever Accessible Yoga Conference in Santa Barbara, California. The conference was born out of an idea to come together and share knowledge and experience around teaching yoga to people who didn’t usually have access to yoga. It had wonderful speakers, like Matthew Sanford of Mind Body Solutions; panels, like What a Yogi Looks Like: Yoga, Body Image and Diversity; and classes and workshops about how to teach to specific communities and how to welcome difference in your class.

Two things struck me about this conference. One, I noticed again and again. It was the inspiration of the attendees. The joy of joining all types of people with all types of bodies, just being together without barriers. Practicing yoga, all of us, together. It wasn’t a problem. It was a relief. As the keynote speaker, Matthew Sanford noted, “this is humanity disguised as a yoga conference.”  

The other thing was that the conference itself engaged those questions of purpose and access. As Jivana Heyman, founder of Accessible Yoga says, “if you have a body and a mind, you can do yoga.” He doesn’t say, “if you have this or that kind of body and this particular kind of mind.” The question arises, then, how do we open beyond our own conditioning and limited beliefs? For me, I was eager to discuss and grapple with these questions among people who were also thinking about and working with these issues. I left energized, inspired, and motivated, which was the true gift of this conference.

Accessible Yoga has tapped into a longing for community and a wish to share the offerings of yoga. From that first conference, the attendees and presenters have continued sharing their resources, stories, and ideas. It sparked a global network which has grown to over 450 Accessible Yoga Ambassadors and 21 Facebook groups in 10 languages. In addition to numerous Accessible Yoga Trainings around the world (over 20 in 2018), this year there will be two conferences: one in Toronto, June 22-24 and the other in Germany, October 19-21.

Sometimes in our zeal to be good yoga teachers, to be helpful, we sometimes forget that our students are people. They are not problems that have to be managed. We don’t have to have all the answers. We can ask questions. We can work things out together. Sometimes we can just be together. Maybe the best thing that we can do is to open ourselves, our heart to this humanity. And say, yes. Yes, there is a place for you here. There is a space open. Come. I’ll meet you at the door.

For information about Accessible Yoga, please visit:   http://www.accessibleyoga.org

Doing it alone: the men who have offered to be my sperm baby daddies

Sperm donors aren’t dads.

“They’re donors,” says my counsellor. “They’re not Dads. Now, your kid may have a dad, someone whom you meet, and who becomes a parent. That may happen. But the donor is the donor.”

My counsellor is emphatic.

And yet, how many of my friends have said, “why not go to a bar and get someone to knock you up? For the price of a gin and tonic, you could be done with this!”

In fact, two different men (hearing of my situation) have explicitly come forward and offered to be my sperm donor. You know….the “old fashioned way.”

They want legacy, they want a child, and they’re willing to give me their vital fluids to make it happen. They’re also attractive, successful, and seem kind. Now, they may also just want to get in my pants, but I do have a deep feeling that the sex perk is secondary to their biological urge to leave an heir.

“I could help out, you know, I’d like that, when you needed it,” one says. “I’ll sign whatever you want, I don’t need legal rights.”

Now, when you’re staring down the barrel of single mom-dom, who wouldn’t want a benevolent extra support person in the wings to swoop in for some occasional babysitting or camping trips? The men and I travel down this road. We talk it out. The details, however, are fuzzy. Would they give financial support? Would I even want them to? And if they didn’t, why do they get a legacy while I’m them one doing all the heavy lifting? Would we tell the kid?

When artificial insertion costs upward of $1500 per pop, getting pregnant the old-fashioned option seems tempting.

But the consequences loom.

The baby daddy could decide all of a sudden that they want partial (or full) custody of the kid. While men may seem less prone to baby fever than women, expectations and desires can radically change once a baby is born. A disinterested donor may suddenly feel the roar of paternal duty and, whamo, my cheaper-than-the-medical-turkey-baster-option has now created an unexpected adversary in a custody battle.

Even without a worse case scenario, having an in-person donor makes the “dad” aspect real. With a medical sperm donor, they feel like a “donor” – not a dad. I bought some genetic material, got is shoved up my cervix…it’s no big deal. It’s not emotional. I’m the mom, I’m the parent, I’m the family. The sperm was the tool for the job.

But getting pregnant from a real live person means that I know the father. The sperm is connected to a face, to a body, and to an intimate moment. I know who he is. The donor – in my mind – is the “dad.”

When I spoke to these men and considered the “au naturel” option, I suddenly realized that I’m the lucky one. Despite all my fear and drama, I actually have it easier. After all, finding a surrogate woman to bear your baby is a lot harder then paying a fee for a sample in a cup.

I think of my gay friends – men and women – who are on the family path, searching for options. I think of the lonely bachelors out there who always wanted a family, and find themselves single and without the resources to pay a surrogate to carry their child to term. I realize that I’m lucky to even have a choice.

I tell my therapist,”Men have offered to be my sperm baby daddies… but, it seems too complicated.”

She looks me straight in the eyes, “Rachel, I think you have good instincts.”

 

Improve your sports performance! Yoga as a Cross-training Activity

Have you ever wondered what will improve your sport performance or prevent sport-related injuries?

Doing more of our desired activity may seem like the obvious answer. For example, if we want to improve performance in swimming or running, then to do more swimming or running would improve our performance in both respectively.

However, while that may be true, if all we did was the same activity we would hit a certain plateau where we are no longer making advances in skill and performance development. Also, by routinely engaging strictly in the same activity and the same movement patterns, we subject ourselves to more wear and tear on the same muscles and joints. Not only can this lead to injury, it can also cause a disengaging level of boredom and loss of enjoyment. If we infuse a variety of exercise and movement with an activity such as yoga, however, we capture the benefits of cross-training.

Cross-training

Cross-training is designed to elevate an athlete’s performance. It is a strategic combination of exercise variety to enhance skill and performance. For the weekend warrior or recreational sport enthusiast, cross training can assist in total body fitness and help prevent injury. If we are inclined to engage in a variety of exercise modalities, we are also more likely to adhere to an exercise program or routine which makes exercise fun and enjoyable. A regular yoga practice with elements such as Asana, Pranayama and meditation can be a wonderful addition to our routine to improve our fitness level and establish a connection of spirit mind and body.

Asana, a Sanskrit word referring to poses, provides an opportunity to observe our movement. We notice the body’s cues, strengths and weaknesses, especially when practicing at a slower pace. Yoga is about the journey rather than the destination and provides a beneficial opportunity to notice our movement rather than just achieve a specific pose expression.

Develop Movements, Not Muscles

The theory of developing movements rather than muscles is more recognized in sport-specific or high-performance trainings. Have you ever looked closely at movement into and out of a yoga pose? Did you notice that Tree pose (vrksasana) and Warrior 2 (virabhadrasana 2) are a part of a baseball pitcher’s wind up? Have you observed the execution of Warrior 3 (virabhadrasana 3) and how it mimics that of a single-leg deadlift?  A regular yoga practice can encourage safe and effective movement patterns that directly transfer to sport performance. For example, chair pose (utkatasana) or any of the forward folds will enhance the mechanics of hip-hinging. Hinging at the hips is paramount for a safe and effective deadlift. The key is to choose poses that resemble your desired sport or activity to refine movement and further develop skill and performance. It is equally (if not more important) to choose poses that are opposite to your desired sport or activity. Working the opposing muscles assists to avoid postural dysfunctions or repetitive-use injuries. 

Breath Awareness

In yoga, breathing practice is referred to as Pranayama or controlled (mindful) breathing. While there are many Pranayama techniques with unique benefits, the first objective is to become aware, through mindfulness, of our breath pattern and control. This heightened awareness slows breathing down, which can increase its effectiveness. Most of us chest breathe, which means we inhale and exhale up in the chest space using only 20% of our lung capacity. Belly breathing, however, is when the diaphragm expands down into the belly, which helps bring breath into the lower lobes of the lungs. A pranayama technique called diaphragmatic breathing, or 3-part breathing, teaches us to fill the lungs from the bottom to the top to expand the belly, then the ribs and then the chest. We follow that with an exhale, releasing the chest then the ribs and then the belly. This 3-part, full diaphragmatic breathing (or yogi breathing) is a great foundation to acquire the skills of other Pranayama techniques. Controlled breathing promotes optimal cellular exchange, reduces stress levels and wards off stress-related illness such as Cardiovascular disease and high blood pressure.

Another aspect of the body strongly affected by controlled breathing is our nervous system. A lot of life demands a sympathetic nervous system response: fight or flight. Our overtaxed nervous system comes from always being on the go, operating with many things on our plate or even overtraining. Slow, deep breathing allows access to the parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest), where the body has the ability to rest, destress and heal. It is also when we make training adaptations such as strength gains, increased lean muscle mass, power, speed and even weight loss. Even 3-5 minutes of pranayama placed at the beginning or at the end of your workout will improve your focus and create synchronicity with your breath and movement. Over the long term, deeper breathing will come more naturally and overall breath and body awareness will improve performance and skill development.

Meditation

Mindful breathing opens the door to meditation, a practice dating back centuries and has profound benefits that interface with all aspects of life, even our workouts. It is also profoundly effective in training the mind. Regular mediation alters brain function, improving our ability to focus and concentrate. By helping us to develop the effective pause between stimulus and response, we become less reactive and more conscious of our actions. A regular meditation practice helps to reduce stress and fear and also helps replace negative-pattern thinking with positive. It promotes better sleep patterns, builds our immune system, improves our mood and allows us the capacity to program our body to perform with precision. With improved focus and a heightened mind-body awareness, we are more equipped to meet our training goals. We are also equipped with better sleep patterns and a high-functioning immune system to give us strength against illness and injury or to heal and repair should either occur.

Conclusion

A regular practice will produce noticeable results. Asana practice 2-3 times per week will yield benefits in how we move and how we feel. Pranayama and meditation may be built into our day beginning with as little as 5-10 minutes and expanding as desired and shift the way we think and perceive the world around us. Because of its multifaceted practice and holistic benefits, yoga addresses training for spirit, mind and body. Yoga, though not necessarily the first cross-training activity we think of, is a surprisingly excellent choice.

 

 

 

 

The Science Behind How Yoga Reduces Stress

Many people have heard that yoga reduces stress, but there’s real science behind it.

Of course, any time you increase the heart rate (like with a few chaturangas), your body releases endorphins, which is the driving force behind that famed “runner’s high and a natural stress reducer. However, yoga taps into stress relief on a much deeper level. By incorporating techniques like pranayama (breath control) and meditation, yoga can help manage and reduce stress.

Pranayama

Pranayama is an umbrella term for breath control. There are a number of pranayama practices within yoga as outlined in Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras and the Hatha Yoga Pradipika. Pranayama can decrease injury, cleanse the body, and relax/de-stress. The vast majority of people are shallow upper chest breathers. If you pull in a deep breath and fill your lungs to capacity, then fully release until there’s truly nothing left, it can feel like a workout—it is. The lungs aren’t used to being fully utilized, and the ribs/intercostal muscles (muscles between the ribs) aren’t used to being so fully worked. Be careful with pranayama, because it can be overwhelming for newcomers. The best way to practice early on is in a class setting with a teacher skilled in pranayama.

Pranayama is effective for stress reduction because it calms the body’s sympathetic nervous system. Otherwise known as the fight or flight instinct, this nervous symptom gushes adrenaline into the body when you’re excited or scared. Adrenaline raises the heartbeat and surges stress hormones into the body. It’s an critical defense tool when you’re really in trouble, but North Americans have a tendency to being adrenaline junkies. We’re constantly stimulating ourselves with technology, and this has led to a veritable breakdown of the sympathetic nervous system. In some ways, your body gets used to all that adrenaline and stress hormones, but at what cost? We’re in a constant state of fight or flight, and all those stress hormones build up over time. It’s part of the reason why heart disease is the number one killer of American women.

With certain types of pranayama (those designed for relaxation), you can reduce the stress response of the body and nestle into recuperation. When the parasympathetic nervous system, known as “rest and digest,”  is given a time out, your body returns to its natural, restful state and can recover. That’s why it’s so important to practice pranayama and/or meditation daily, particularly first thing in the morning and before bed. Otherwise, you might be in stress mode 24/7 (especially if you suffer from insomnia).

As previously mentioned, there are many types of pranayama exercises, and it’s always best to have a trusted in-person instructor when beginning pranayama practice. However, one of the safest and most effective pranayama is the simple counted breath. Begin by inhaling for a count of five, exhaling for a count of five. If you can stay calm, hold the breath for five counts after the inhale. If you still feel calm, there’s the option to add retention after the exhale, too.

Another simple pranayama practice is two-part breath with legs up the wall. It’s popular before bedtime because the inversion (heart above head) is naturally relaxing. Two-part breath is the same as four-part breath but without the holds. You can choose any equal number to inhale and exhale with, as long as you completely fill and empty the lungs. If you can, putting weight (such as a bolster or heavy pillow) on the feet when they’re up the wall can provide an added sense of security. It’s normal for the legs to go numb or tingly in this position. For beginners, do not hold this pose longer than five minutes and practice caution when exiting the pose because dizziness can occur.

The counting of breaths and/or the ticking of the clock help to ensure you’re not focused on anything but breath. You might find that you tire easily, which is common for those just starting their practice. While in pranayama, your sympathetic nervous system is is pacified. Without having to focus on “fight or flight,” the amount of stress hormones released is reduced.

The Inner Voice

Stress comes at us in various ways. Triggers for stress come in many forms, both external and internal. Stress can also be a bit addictive. Even though we know technology usage often leads to higher stress levels—with social media usage linked to loneliness—we can’t get enough of it. Adrenaline can be a bit addictive in itself. Learning to balance our lives can start with literally balancing ourselves. It’s one of the core foundations of yoga and is prioritized in asanas and pranayama.

Hypnotherapists such as Marisa Peer have said that “rewriting the bad programs” we’ve downloaded can be corrected by hypnotic mantras. A popular option is “Hare Krishna, Hare Krisha. Krishna, Krishna, Hare, Hare.” Chanting in the alpha brainwave state, which can be achieved through meditative practices, helps us to get rid of the negative influences we hold within. The stress we carry with us isn’t permanently ingrained, but it does take some work to release it.

Our inner voice (or subconscious mind) operates like a kind of hard disk of our bodily computer. Stress causes the subconscious to download negative programs that can clog up normal function. This can lead to pain, chronic disease, and poor relationships. Our overly stimulated lives cause many of us to develop an inner voice that’s our worst critic. We’re encouraged to practice modesty, many times at a false level (i.e. always downplaying successes or brushing them aside instead of celebrating them) and self-deprecation. Overly done, this kind of denigrative thinking can have damaging effects. Cognitive reconditioning, or learning to speak nicely to ourselves, can be amplified with yoga for stress reduction.

Yoga and Self-Awareness

Yoga forces us to consider our breath and our movement, two things we rarely pay much attention to. It gives us the tools we need to slow down and to focus. The “white noise” of controlling our breath or fluid movements keeps the barrage of our inner voice at bay. We concentrate and we focus on safely stretching the body a touch beyond its limits with yoga. It’s not usually a high-intensity workout through the entire practice, but rather a means of returning to our center. That’s at the core of what stress reduction requires, and a first step in being kinder to ourselves.

Doing It Alone: a single woman’s mission to become a mother: cycle confusion

This is a blog in a series called, “Doing It Alone,” to share some of the trials and tribulations of my attempts in 2017 to get pregnant as a single woman. 

I’ve been peeing on sticks.

Although I have a vague sense of my own fertility cycles, I’m now tasked with being more diligent about detecting my “surge.” The word “surge” sounds wonderfully romantic, as if I will overcome by a mystical hormonal tidal wave each month that makes me ripe for mating.

Kind of like Spock during pon farr in Wrath of Khan. 

In reality, “surge” describes the wave of luteinizing hormone (LH) that causes the release of your ripest egg from your ovaries (ie: ovulation).

The old fashioned way of detecting fertility (and the “surge”) is by paying attention to the timing of your cycle and logging the physical changes of your body. For those of you who didn’t pay attention in 8th grade science class (I certainly didn’t), a woman is most fertile 1-2 days before and during ovulation. The egg can only live about 24 hours after ovulation unless it’s fertilized. But since sperm can live 3-4 days, if you have sex before you ovulate, you might be in business. For most women, ovulation occurs about 14 days before the onset of your period.

However, a general understanding of timing is not enough. Every woman’s cycle is different, so you have to fine tune your analysis by paying attention to other tell-tale signs. One of the most obvious indicators of impending fertility? The quality and composition of your vaginal secretions.

Okay, I’m sorry, this next section is a mild digression. Do you mind if I use a word that is not “secretions?” I’d rather not equate my secret honeysuckle sauce to something that could be from Aliens. A quick look under in urban slang yields the following possibilities:

  • pooter pudding
  • box snot
  • cunt custard
  • vulva chowder

I am dissatisfied with these terms, as they verge on misogynistic. I’ve come up with a few of my own (and thank you Eve Ensler, for ever inspiring name reclamation).  You are free to use these in your next conversation with your gynaecologist:

  • vulvambrosia
  • babe butter sauce
  • ardent spirit (a la aqua vitae)
  • honeymead

Thank you. Moving on. 

Common descriptors of our, ah, joyjuice are poetic: “egg white,” “sticky,” “creamy.” Right around ovulation, the consistency reaches a thick and irrepressible “egg white,” which is designed to create a more hospitable environment for sperm survival. (More info.)

Another important fertility indicator is temperature, as your basal temperature increases about a half degree a day or two after you ovulate. One of my best friends planned both her pregnancies impeccably (to the month) with both of her kids by tracking her temperature. She’s a fertility ninja. Cervix height also changes with impending ovulation. You reach up into your vagina like a world champion spelunker to assess if your cervix is low, firm and dry or high, soft and wet.

Like many of us, I had assumed it was fairly easy to get pregnant. Sure, I’d heard stories about fertility challenges, but I’d been so freaked out by the “safe sex” and unwanted pregnancy campaigns of the 80’s and 90’s that I figured having a kid would only take a round or two of unprotected sex. Of course I’m wrong.

Here are the sobering notes I took during my first appointment with the Olive Fertility Centre:

Natural pregnancy: 5-10% chance of pregnancy every month
  • by age of 41, 50% of women are infertile
  • by age of 45, 95% of women are infertile
  • 35 and under, 20-25% of women are infertile

So if I’m going to do my best to get pregnant, I have to hone in on my ovulation day with laser like precision. Guessing at the “egg-white” quality of my secretions and palpating the height of my cervix isn’t going to cut it. Although it has been very gratifying to discover that there is a wildish organic orchestra playing within my body every month, I am going to maximize my chances and also rely on science.

Hence, peeing on sticks.

The sticks (available online or at a local pharmacy) measure the amount of LH in the urine. They’re like pregnancy sticks, but they detect ovulation rather than pregnancy.

Here’s the plan:

Once the stick gives me a thumbs up that I’m about to ovulate (usually through a comforting smiley face), I call the fertility clinic.  They can prepare my pre-selected sperm for, uh, what’s the word? Insertion. The rest of my life gets put on hold and I beeline for the clinic the next day. Clear my schedule, cancel appointments. And bam, like that, we’ve got our one shot for the month.

The shot is still pretty long. Even given ideal factors, less than 12% each  month.

I’m peeing on sticks, and halfway through my cycle, I start bleeding. What the what? Is this spotting, is this menstruation, is this stress? Wouldn’t you know, the very time that I need my body to perform with some semblance of regularity, everything goes nutso. #timingiseverything

I take a breath. Could just be a glitch, right?

So what else can you do?

I keep peeing on sticks.

Doing It Alone: a single woman’s mission to become a mother: Part 1

This is the first installation in a series called, “Doing It Alone,” to share some of the trials and tribulations of my attempts in 2017 to get pregnant as a single woman. 

I  look at the list of sperm donors and start crying. I don’t mean to cry, it just comes upon me, unexpectedly.

I push myself back from my computer and fall on my floor. A distant part of my brain is noting that my actions seem very dramatic. But it’s beyond me and impossible to control. I cry. Big, heaving sobs. I’m mourning for the expectations I had from the time I was a girl: I would marry a great guy and we’d have a family.

I don’t want to be looking at this list. I’m supposed to have a loving, supportive husband. We’re supposed to be holding hands, stepping forward into our brave new future together.  Instead, I am 42, single, and live in a small basement suite in one of the most heinously expensive cities in the world. My company has just cut my hours, I’m paying off my Masters Program, and now I have a crazy scheme to finance an expensive version of turkey baster inception.

To make it worse, I’m angry with myself. After all, it’s not as if I haven’t had the opportunity to make the leap to motherhood in the past. There have been good men in my life. Men who would have gone on the journey with me the old fashioned way. I hate myself for being foolish, for not figuring it out earlier, and for feeling ten years behind my own destiny.

So I cry on the floor.

And when I’ve worn myself out, I pick myself back up, wipe off my snotty face, and go back to my computer. I buck up. I may live in an expensive city, but I’m lucky enough to have health care thanks to Canada. I may live in a studio basement suite, but I also live two blocks from the beach. I may be single, but I have a great community of friends and a loving family. Okay, my family lives 2000 miles away, but right now I am going to focus on the positives.

I look at my strapping list of possible sperm donor daddies.

They’re all under 25.

Five Reasons You Should Consider Introducing Your Kid To Yoga

You’ve probably attended a yoga class. Practiced prenatal yoga while pregnant. Maybe you even took your baby to a “mommy & me” yoga session or two after your little one arrived. But then they got older and your yoga practice once again became a solo activity – if you even managed to squeeze it back into your schedule amidst all the other duties of motherhood.

When we picture yoga and some of the more advanced poses, it’s easy to think that it’s an activity best reserved for adults. But did you know yoga is actually a great activity for kids?

Here are five ways yoga can positively impact your child, but the benefits extend far beyond this short list. You can learn about the rest in this in-depth guide by Mom Loves Best.

1. Yoga Helps Promote Lifelong Physical Health.

Between the standard American diet and our increasingly sedentary lifestyle, obesity has become a health epidemic in the United States. While yoga may not be a high-impact cardiovascular activity, incorporating it into your child’s daily life helps to instil the importance of regular movement and care for their body’s health. It not only has immediate health benefits but sets them up for a lifetime of prioritizing their physical health and regular movement by building this habit early.

2. Yoga Reduces Hyperactivity and Improves Focus.

More children than ever have been put on medication to manage hyperactive behavior. While there are certainly cases for which this is a medical necessity, many experts agree that ADD and ADHD are likely overdiagnosed, thanks mainly to rigid expectations in school as well as fewer opportunities to play outside as compared to generations past. A soothing activity like yoga can help your child calm down, decompress, deal with the overstimulation of everyday life, and help them learn how to tune out external distractions. Studies have even shown that yoga can be effective in improving the symptoms of children with ADHD.

3. Yoga Promotes Better Mental Health.

Today’s children are facing more pressures than ever before – like academic expectations, the increased competitiveness of sports, social media pressures, and navigating the changing social landscape of today’s young people. As a result, child and adolescent mental health has declined rapidly, with parents searching for ways to reduce their children’s risk and promote positive mental health. Yoga helps teach coping mechanisms that can aid kids in warding off anxiety and depression, and even helps them to improve their self-esteem. It also can help with stress relief, which also promotes improved mental health.

4. Yoga Helps with School Performance.

In addition to an improved ability to focus as addressed above, yoga can help with your child’s school performance in other ways, too. If your child is a kinesthetic learner, they can integrate yoga techniques into their study or homework time to improve their understanding and retention of academic material. It also teaches them the importance of discipline for skill improvement, which directly translates to their educational journey – while it’s not always easy, consistency yields results. It also helps to encourage creativity and self-expression, which is necessary for healthy child development.

5. Yoga Can Improve Sleep.

Sleep is absolutely critical for healthy child development, academic performance, and good mental health. Unfortunately, today’s children struggle with sleep more than any other generation. Whether it’s due to less time outdoors, fewer opportunities to run off energy, increased exposure to screens and sleep-disturbing blue light, high-level academic pressures, incredibly busy extracurricular schedules, or increasingly early school start times, today’s children are at serious risk for problems due to their lack of adequate, restful sleep. Participation in a regular yoga practice not only increases their opportunities for physical activity, but can also teach them skills to calm down and focus at night, helping to improve the quality of their sleep.

Stop thinking of yoga as an activity that’s only appropriate for adults. It’s great for the whole family, and there are plenty of poses your kids can do from their very first session. Give them grace at the beginning, don’t expect perfection, and keep it fun – and before you know it, you just might have a mini-yogi on your hands!

How to Stretch at Your Desk: Yoga while you work

Last month we took a look at the effects that sitting for long periods of time can have on the body. I shared a simple yoga sequence to help alleviate some of the pain points many people experience from repeatedly sitting at a desk all day. I’ve taken this a step further and have put together some yoga stretches for you to do at your desk!

Most of us already know that movement is essential to our health. And we’re painfully aware that the majority of us are not currently getting enough movement in any given day. But why does the body need to move?

First, moving the body is essential to keeping it limber. What does your body feel like after you’ve been sitting for too long? Do certain areas start to feel numb? Does your body feel stiff as you stand up and start to move? Professor, James Levine reminds us that “humans were designed to walk.” In fact, we’ve been walking for over 7 million years. Which means that we’re just scratching the surface when it comes to understanding how sitting is detrimental to our health. When we sit for a long period of time, we start to cut off blood flow to certain areas of the body and frequent movement helps get the blood flowing properly and efficiently.

Think about what happens to your spine as you sit at your desk; the rounding, hunching, and compression of the spine. Our spine is designed to move in a variety of ways, and sitting at a desk all day doesn’t allow for this movement to happen. According to this article in the Huffington Post, “the average healthy person’s back will take a beating from this low-energy lifestyle, leading to increased pain, stiffness and long-term problems.” If you were to pause right now and take a snapshot of your posture, what does it look like? Are there any adjustments you can make, right now?

We’ve all experienced the “brain fog” that sets in when we’ve been sitting and pouring over a spreadsheet, contract, or other data. Getting up and moving is also good for the brain. Choosing to get up and move will allow your eyes to take a rest, your laser-like attention to shift to something else for a few moments, and will get your blood flowing. When more blood flows to the brain, we increase the amount of oxygen, which helps us think in a more focused way. Livestrong shares that the fastest way to get a dose of oxygen for your brain is to take a walk.

Here are some stretches that you can do at your desk. Be creative and use what you’ve got! Chairs, desks, and even walls can all be great props and help support your office stretch session.

Side Bend

This is a great way to move the spine in a lateral direction.

  • Stand with your feet inner hip-distance apart; stack your hips over your knees and ankles. Be sure that your hips are square (level, left to right).
  • Reach your right arm up overhead and then reach your arm towards the left.
  • You might find that after a few breaths, you are able to go deeper in the stretch.
  • Hold for 5 cycles of breath.
  • Repeat on the other side.

Backbend

This stretch will help to open the chest and front body; it is also a great pose to help counter balance the effects of computer work.

  • Stand with your feet inner hip-distance apart; stack your hips over your ankles and knees.
  • Place your hands on the backs of your hips, like you were placing your hands into pant pockets.
  • Draw your inner elbows and shoulder blades together.
  • Tuck your chin towards your throat.
  • Keep your low back long (there is a tendency to compress the low back and we want to avoid this) and start to lift your chest towards the sky.
  • As your chest lifts, start to move it towards the space behind you (I like to think of an imaginary string lifting the centre of my chest up towards the sky.).
  • Let your gaze travel towards the space behind you as you draw the sides of your throat back to keep the back of your neck long.
  • Hold for 5 cycles of breath.
  • Slowly lift up out of the pose.

Forward Fold

This stretch will help the spine to decompress; great to do after sitting.

  • Be careful with this pose if you have high blood pressure. You will want to rise up slowly so that you don’t get light-headed.
  • Stand with your feet inner hip-distance apart; stack your hips over your ankles and knees.
  • Bend your knees and fold over your legs.
  • Your fingers can come to the floor or you can bend your elbows and bring opposite hands to them.
  • You can stay still or it might feel good to gently sway from side to side.
  • Hold for 5 cycles of breath.

Hip Stretch

This pose is a great way to stretch out the hips, which are often sore from sitting.

  • Come closer to the edge of your set. Sit up tall, with your back away from the seat, and with your feet on the floor. 
  • Lift your left leg up away from the floor.
  • Externally rotate your left thigh bone at the hip (think of playing hackeysack and as your knee moves away from your midline, the inner part of your foot turns up towards the sky).
  • Place your left foot onto your right thigh. You can take a hold of your ankle and help get it to your thigh (no worries!).
  • This could be all the stretch you need. If so, hold here and breathe.
  • If you need more, take your left hand to your left thigh or shin and gently press down, or start to bring your chest towards your thighs, which will deepen the stretch.
  • Hold for 5 cycles of breath.
  • Switch to the other side with your right ankle on your left thigh.
  • Hold for an equal amount of time on this side.

Seated Twist

Twists are naturally detoxifying and feel good to do after sitting for awhile.

  • Sit up tall, closer to the edge of your seat (away from the back of the chair), with your feet on the floor.
  • Take your right hand to your left thigh.
  • Place your left hand on the seat of the chair and close to your left hip.
  • Inhale and grow taller through your spine (think of your head reaching up closer towards the sky) and exhale to take a twist to the left. 
  • Be sure to keep your sitting bones evenly rooted into your seat; your hips should remain level, with your body moving/twisting around your spine.
  • You can take your gaze over your left shoulder.
  • Hold for 5 cycles of breath.
  • Return to centre and repeat on the other side.

Neck Stretch

This stretch will help alleviate tension in the neck as well as soothe neck strain.

  • Sit up tall, closer to the edge of your seat (away from the back of the chair), with your feet on the floor.
  • Take your right hand to the left side of your head.
  • Draw your right ear to your right shoulder, until you feel a stretch through the left side of your neck.
  • You can stay here or if you need more of a stretch, place your left hand by your side and flex your wrist.
  • Hold for 5 cycles of breath.
  • Use your right hand to gently return your head to centre and repeat on the other side.

Finger Stretch

A simple and effective way to move and stretch the fingers.

  • Sit up tall, closer to the edge of your seat (away from the back of the chair), with your feet on the floor.
  • Reach your left arm out in front of you.
  • With your right fingers, draw each one of your left fingers towards you. Hold for a few seconds, and then move on to the next, until each finger has had a good stretch.
  • Repeat on the other side.

Don’t be afraid to get creative! Have a favourite exercise that you normally do at the gym or in your weekly fitness class? Can you find a way to modify it and bring it in to your daily stretch routine? Remember to get up and move and stretch throughout the day; your body will thank you for it!

How You’re Standing In Your Own Way With Love, and What You Can Do About It

Does it have to be so hard to find love?

Last week I started working with Laurie, a new client, who came to me with a complaint that I hear very often:

“Why is it so hard to find love?  I’ve been putting a lot of time and effort into dating and not getting anywhere.  Maybe it’s just not going to happen for me.“

Laurie is a smart, attractive woman who enjoys her job and is a nice person. So why hasn’t she found her dream guy after putting herself out there consistently?  

Laurie continues, “Are there no good men left? Do I have to move to another city to find a great guy?  Do all men have commitment issues?”

Fortunately for Laurie, the answer to all three questions is NO!   

“So what’s the problem?  What do I do?”

I’m so glad she asked. There’s nothing “wrong” with Laurie her, but her logic and beliefs around dating and love are all out of whack!  

For years, Laurie has been justifying dating men (sometimes several at a time) who aren’t quite ready to commit. A few she’s kept around for fun and to avoid loneliness; they have “potential,” and she is waiting for them to change.   

She tells herself, “When he gets a job he likes or stops being so busy at work, then things will change.” Or “After he heals from his last relationship or gets tired playing the field he will realize how perfect we are for each other.”

I ask Laurie to consider:

“What if it’s not the fault of the men you are dating? YOU are doing the “picking” of those men, and YOU are choosing to continue dating them.”

While this is confronting and hard for Laurie to hear, understanding her own responsibility for her dating life empowers her make different choices –  and actually find her dream guy!

It can be challenging to confront our old habits. It takes time, effort and the willingness to be vulnerable. I understand – because I’ve been there. It took me a long time to figure it out that I was responsible for making the choices that were keeping me stuck and unfulfilled.

When I ask Laurie what she wants from a relationship, she immediately declares, “I want to get married and start a family.”

But when we review the men she’s been spending her precious time with, they were all dismal candidates:

Guy #1:  Recently divorced with two children, openly tells her he’s not ready for a serious relationship, but someday he wants to remarry and maybe would have another child if it was the right woman.

Guy #2:  He’s fun, hot and the chemistry is great.  He’s never married and says he’s looking for the right woman to settle down with and have a family.  She hears from him once every week or so. He’s busy with work and other commitments. They go out once a while, have a great time and then – poof, she doesn’t hear from him for days or sometimes weeks.

Guy #3:  What I call the “pop-up ex.” They dated last year. It didn’t work out for many reasons. Once in a while she gets bored or lonely (or drinks and dials) and wants some attention. It is fun at the moment, but she’s left feeling sad and a little resentful. Laurie says when she meets the right guy it will stop, but in the meantime thinks it’s better than nothing.

There is  nothing “wrong” or “bad” about any of these men. They’re just not looking for a committed relationship with Laurie. While there is nothing wrong with casual dating for fun or revisiting that great chemistry with your ex, you must recognize the peril of taking such actions when it’s not truly aligned with your relationship goals.

There’s a difference between taking time to let a healthy relationship develop and see where it goes – and waiting for a man to change to meet your needs.  

You need to make choices about whom and how you date based on what you want right now.

It can be very scary to let go of companionship, even when it isn’t giving us what we want. Many of us ask the question that Laurie asks me: “But why be alone? Why not keep dating Mr. Wrong until Mr. Right shows up?”

Here are two important reasons to cut the cord:

  1. “Something” is not better than “nothing” in the long term.  Your time and space are all booked up with men who don’t want the same thing that you do. There’s no room for real love to enter the picture. You’re wasting her time.
  2. If you are looking for a committed relationship that leads to a marriage and a family, why date someone who is not looking for that too? It’s like saying you want to lose weight and then eating donuts all day. It’s not going to happen!

Like Laurie, we must all be brave and honest when we’re asking for what we really want.

If your date doesn’t have the same relationship goals, it’s time for you to nicely say “goodbye.”

When I suggest to Laurie that she ask her dates what they want from a relationship, she is aghast, “You mean tell him I’m looking for a partner and a family?  What if I scare him off?”

We often get squeamish about asking someone else what they want in a relationship, even if we have no trouble asking about what they want in other areas of our lives! I ask Laurie if she has an issue asking these men about their career goals, interests, or where they see  themselves living long term. “Of course not,” she says.

“So why not ask about what he’s looking for in a relationship?”   

While I’m not suggesting your start an inquisition on the first date, it doesn’t take months to find out if you have a mutual vision for your romantic future. If your date is balks at the question, then you just saved yourself a lot of time and potential heartache.   

Let me ask you…

  • If you wanted to travel to Paris would you take a flight to Miami,  hoping the plane might change course if you just hang in there?
  • Would you accept a new job without even inquiring about the salary?  

It’s time to take a look at how you’re doing love and get out of your own way.

Here’s my advice:

  • Take responsibility for who you are deciding to date.
  • Don’t approach your romantic relationships hoping and wondering! If you don’t know what he wants, ask him! Have an honest conversation.
  • Let go of relationships that don’t align with what you want. Don’t buy into the “something is better than nothing” belief!

It’s time for you to take control of your love life. Get out of your own way – and find what you want. The power to make a real change is in your hands.

*If you want to explore what’s been happening (or not happening) in your love life or get tips on how to have these difficult conversations, let’s talk! Special Valentine’s Week offer: book a complimentary 20-minute consultation with me to see how I can help.

Five Yoga Poses in Five Minutes to Fight Depression

You feel heavy, dull, tired. Maybe it’s gray outside (or, if you live in the pacific northwest, maybe it’s been gray and dark for weeks). Perhaps a life event (sickness, heartbreak, lethargy, indecision) has you feeling the terrible weight of emotional gravity.

I get it.

Having struggled with bouts of depression since my early twenties, I understand how debilitating an affliction it can be. Whether it affects you seasonally or chronically, practicing self-care in depression can be difficult. And the hardest part can sometimes be taking any action to change. When I feel depressed, pretty much the last thing that I want to do is get on my mat. Let me curl up in my bed and sleep, thank you very much. Or cry.

First, you’re not alone.

Secondly, if you can make the journey to the mat for even five minutes, we can make a change. Set a timer. Step on your mat. Just do it. Because just five minutes will change something. And maybe five minutes today turns into six minutes tomorrow, which turns into ten minutes in a week. Small steps.

We usually think that our minds run our bodies, but the reverse can be true: changing our bodies can change our minds. Check out Amy Cuddy’s inspirational video (bottom) and you’ll see what I mean. By putting your body into a physical appearance of joy and expansion, your mind and your hormones start to get the idea that life isn’t all terrible. Over time, small little changes can start to add up.

Five minutes. Here we go.

Cat/ Cow

Cow
Cat

Simple movement. Depression is stagnant energy. Start to move the energy of your body through simple cat cow. Start moving in all direction, “Color outside the lines.”  Move your spine in all directions. Move your shoulders, move your hips. Get the flow going. Make noise, even if you just hum. Add some voice to what you’re doing. Move the energy.

Sun Salutations

Do three. Big Breaths. Rather quickly. Focus on taking expansive breaths, even larger than usual. Big wide arm movements to move the stuck energy. Audible sighs. Noisy sighs.

Not sure how to do one? Check this out from my friends at Do Yoga With Me. 

Warrior Two

Warrior 2. Be Big.

Get big. Get wide. Push your feet apart. Reach your finger tips apart. Take your shoulders onto your back and stretch. Draw your shoulders onto your back, then reach through your arms. Ten breaths on each side.

High Lunge

High lunge.

The ultimate pose of joy and expansion. Open your arms, press into your feet and fill your body with breath. Get wider, longer, deeper from your toes to your finger tips. Take up your space. Ten breaths on each side.

Ustrasana – Camel

Modified
Full

See my video on doing this safely. Lots of leg strength, lots of grounding. Core strong and engaged.

Lift your chest forward and open. Open heart. Five big breaths.

Repeat it three times, pausing each time to sit on your heels.

Now. How do you feel?

Small steps. Small steps. #smalldailyacts

Amy Cuddy’s video on how body language shapes who we are. A must see.

Also, check out this post, “Not everyone who does yoga is happy, and that’s okay.” From my heart to yours.

 

Slow Down: How Yin and Restorative Yoga Can Help You Beat Stress

I honestly don’t know where I’d be if the practice of yoga hadn’t entered into my life when it did. I was unknowingly walking around in a perpetual state of fight-or-flight for years. Unaware of what was at play within me, I believed it was perfectly normal, and necessary…to be afraid of everything, and everyone, all the time.

Now, I can write this article with a smile and catch myself before I get too deep into a spiral of stress and fear. I know we each have our own path, and I cannot promise that yoga will “save” anyone, or be “the answer.” But, in my studies and my experience, I’ve found invaluable depth in this practice. It’s given me so much more freedom and space in my life.

One of the reasons that I teach yoga is because I want to help alleviate the burden of stress in our world. 

With the development of technology, social media, and the internet over the past few years, our culture has become incredibly stressful. We are expected to multi-task, be extremely efficient, and remain in a constant state of alertness and activity. This vigilance causes continual wear and tear on our bodies, our minds, and depletes the amount of energy that we have available to contribute to our quality of life. This heightened state within the body is often unconscious; a lot of us are walking around in a state of “fight-or-flight”, or a stimulated nervous system response, without even realizing it, because it has come to feel normal. The human nervous system and the stress response has been functioning the same way for millions of years; however, many of the perceived stress in modern-day society is left unresolved, and the nervous system remains in a heightened state of “fight-or-flight”, rather than naturally returning to balance when the danger has subsided.

Stress is often accompanied by several adverse side effects. The more stress that we experience, the more its effects compound within us. When stress becomes chronic, there is an accumulation of stress hormones in the body, and this residue can lead to disease.

How our nervous system works

The autonomic nervous system (ANS) is a division of the peripheral nervous system that influences the function of the body’s internal organs and systems. The autonomic nervous system acts largely unconsciously, and regulates bodily functions such as the heart rate, respiratory rate, and digestion. This system is the primary mechanism in control of the fight-or-flight response: the body’s response to stress.

The autonomic nervous system has two branches: the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) and the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS). The sympathetic nervous system is often considered the “fight or flight” system, and the parasympathetic nervous system is often considered the “rest and digest” In many cases, both of these systems have opposite actions where one system activates a physiological response and the other inhibits it. When we are functioning in a healthy way, the PNS will kick in and inhibit the stress response, and our body will return to balance. The PNS is actually our natural state; it brings the body to homeostasis and invites feelings of relaxation and contentment.

The good news is, if we notice that we are in a state of chronic stress, there are practices to help calm the nervous system, stimulate the PNS, and alleviate some of the effects of compound stress.

Dr. Herbert Benson identified the “Relaxation Response”:

“A physiological state characterized by a slower heart rate, metabolism, rate of breathing, lower blood pressure, and slower brain wave patterns.”

This state can be induced through relaxation and breathing techniques. A consistent yoga or meditation practice can help strengthen the PNS, and minimize the body’s tendency to activate the PNS.

Yin and Restorative Yoga

While all styles of yoga build awareness and help to balance the systems of the body, I’ve always been drawn to the slower paced practices. Yin and restorative yoga provide a much needed contrast to the constant activity, stimulation, and demands on the body that can occur as a result of a busy life by inviting the body to slow down. When I include Yin or Restorative yoga as a regular part of my practice, it’s both a nurturing and energizing experience, allowing me to continue with other more active and demanding activities in my life with a clear and consistent focus.

While both styles involve releasing into stillness, using supportive props, and remaining in the postures for a period of time, there are some fundamental differences in the intention and effects of each practice. 

In a Yin Yoga class, practitioners place a healthy and deliberate amount of stress on the more dense tissues of the body to encourage them to remain healthy and strong. This practice facilitates gradual lengthening and release in the fascia and deeper layers of connective tissue. The fascial web of the body is one seamless network, one connected system. It holds the shape of our bodies and carries the stories, memories, and patterns from our lives. Working with the fascial network can lead to lasting release of chronic holding and a powerful shift of the body and mind. While the yin practice is ultimately relaxing, the stimulation from holding poses can occasionally be mentally challenging. 

In a Restorative Yoga class, props are used to completely support the weight of the body, which invites the nervous system to shift from a sympathetic response to stress (“Fight-or-Flight”) into a parasympathetic response (“Rest and Digest”). Unlike yin, the restorative practice is not about stretching connective tissue (or any other tissue!), but is designed to restore a natural state of balance to the nervous system. Over time, restorative yoga can help alleviate the effects of chronic stress by eliciting a deep state of relaxation. The deep state of rest that is accessible through restorative yoga can enhance the health of the nervous system, lymphatic system, endocrine system, and organ function. 

If you have not yet tried one of these styles, consider adding yin or restorative to your yoga menu. They might begin to change your definition of how it feels to be “relaxed”…

References